“I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.”
This quote describes me pretty well. My poor husband lives with this reality. No matter how hard I try to communicate my thoughts verbally, they typically end up a muddled mess. I usually end up having to write him a letter in order for my thoughts to make sense.
I enjoy writing. I mainly write for me. I write to make sense of the craziness in my head but I also write for those who want to read about what is happening in this crazy family. I know that for many my struggles became your struggles over the past few years and left you praying over all the outrageous things taking place. So many prayers were said and tears shed. I know I will never know how many but I am thankful for every one of them. I am also thankful for all those who walked with me even when I did not know you were there. It is important for me that you know your prayers were being heard. God was and is continuing to work. So with all that said my writing serves as a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness, His love and grace in the middle of heartache, darkness and pain and that His mercies are new every morning.
Lately I have been thinking about my amazing and wonderful kids who drive me totally insane at times. They have been to hell and back over the last couple of years and have learned a lot about God and seen Him work. So all my thinking has led me to writing about them. For those who knew us back in the day you know that financially we did well. We had a lot of stuff, took many trips and bought pretty much whatever we wanted. My kids never knew what it meant to be without the things they wanted. Boy has life changed. That is not our life any longer and their adjustment to this change has been quite incredible.
A couple of months ago I resigned from my job. The sole purpose for my resignation…my kids. Quitting my job was one of the hardest things for me. I was good at what I did and had great potential to move up quickly. I had found something where I could succeed and make a difference. It was a hard choice to make but I knew it was the right one. After everything my kids had been through, they were finally back home with their mom and they needed me. Two of the five were flunking school. Their personalities had all but about disappeared. The years of training them to love the Lord had pretty much been stripped away and so I took that GIANT step of faith and quit my job. Meaning I lost my paycheck and my benefits so that I could focus on them. I say that because the thought of losing those two things terrified me. Let me make it completely clear to ALL who read this that financially we cannot afford for me not to work. My husband works incredibly hard but trying to provide for ten people is a lot. Without outside help financially we have put our feet in step with our words and stepped out in faith to trust God for His provision for our family. My kids needed me and so now, I am left needing God to provide what we do not have when we need it.
And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Jesus Christ.
What does this look like for my kids? For my amazing kids who used to have it all it means that for now they cannot play sports, take music lessons, or dance classes because it is just not in the budget. I cannot afford to put braces on teeth that need them nor can I buy them the clothes or shoes I know that they would love to have but they never complain. They never ask. Today I thought about the fact that I have a fifteen year old that trusts me to cut his hair. I have had no training whatsoever but he trusts me enough to allow me to do it. I cut the hair of every person in this house including my own. I do it and no one complains. It is crazy ridiculous to me. How many teenagers would do that?
I am in awe of the way in which God continues to work. It amazes me to see how He is using our situation to bring our family closer. It means more meals spent around the table. It means movie nights spent at home together. It means game nights and pool days. It means vacations on a mountain in West Virginia enjoying the wild. It is a totally different life. It is a life filled with laughter along with love. Yes there is still fighting among siblings. It is not perfect. It is definitely not all butterflies and roses. We still have our struggles and hang-ups but it’s a life now filled with God’s faithfulness and blessings. We have been given a second chance to experience the God of the Universe and His unfathomable love all because of His grace and I am in awe of this new life I have been given every day! I am in awe of my God!
The bible is truth. It is filled with God’s promises to His children. This family has learned first hand that,
And we know that all things God works together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.