Every single person God has ever used to tell His story has been a flawed, broken messed-up wreck. Be encouraged. You’re perfectly prepared.
-John Pavlovitz- Student Pastor Journey Church
As I sit and type this post, Chris Tomlin’s Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) is playing in the background. Seems fitting for today. You see it has been five years since I last sang. Five years since I was part of a “group” that led worship. I had told God I would never sing again just as I told him I would never trust much less marry another man or allow the friendship of women into my life again. Tonight for the first time in five years, I am going to sing. I am going to do the very thing I told God I would never do again. I am not only going to sing with a worship team but I am going to sing with a group of nothing but women. It is amazing what happens when we tell God never.
My stomach is in knots. Part of that comes from singing in front of people but the majority comes from what this event will mean in my life and the struggles that might ensue because of it. I know I am in for a battle. I know the enemy does not want me to sing again. For nearly a week I have struggled with a constant migraine as I have tried to prepare for tonight. The enemy is working overtime to discourage me. He is trying to prevent my obedience and the work God is doing in my life.
Last night I wrestled with God begging Him to take away the pain. I just wanted some relief. As I prayed, a peace filled my heart as a familiar voice filled my head. Will you let this defeat you? Will this migraine keep you from singing? Will this pain keep you from following Me? Suddenly it became very clear to me what was happening. Since I last sang, I have been through battles much greater than any headache and they did not stop me from following Jesus. There were moments of discouragement, betrayal and heartache but I never gave up on what I knew God was doing. Would I do that now? I can’t. I won’t. God has not failed me yet and I am confident that this step of faith that I am about to take in allowing people (women) back into my life will be for my good and ultimately God’s glory. If I sing, God’s character is revealed. It is proof that HE is THE restorer and redeemer of my life. It is proof of His unending love and grace. It is proof that He brought healing into my life. It is proof that He makes all things new!
Several nights ago, my daughter brought up the fact that I was singing again at the dinner table. Suddenly my almost sixteen year old piped up and asked “mom, you’re going to sing again?” As I looked up from my plate and saw the smile on his face, I knew that God was going to use this journey to begin healing not just my heart but the broken heart of my son as well. The harm caused to me by people I once considered family did not just break my heart and cause me to distrust “Christians”, it did the same to my child. I did not realize how much until I saw his face.
I am even more confident at the work that God is doing. I know I cannot allow the enemy to discourage me from taking the step I am about to take. I was told several years ago that because of the path I had chosen, because I was divorced, I would never lead again. Tonight I will step out as the child of God that I know that I am and stand with confidence before Him as I lift up praises to the ONE who has taken my life, made it new and given me a reason to sing again! Tonight with great anticipation and excitement, I choose to follow Him no matter what.
But I trust in Your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because You have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
because He is good to me.