Miracles: My lack of faith

Sometimes I am a skeptic, others times not so much.  I have faith in a God I cannot see with my eyes yet I am confident He exists.  I trust that Jesus was born of a virgin, walked on water and was raised to life again all without ever witnessing it with my own eyes. I believe these things with all my heart. However I struggle with the idea of miracles existing.  What does that say about my faith?  I’m not sure.  I’m truly asking.

Here’s a story.  Last week we were down to our last dollar.  It was a Wednesday afternoon and my husband looked at me and said, “We need gas and are down to nothing.  We need a miracle.  Seriously we need to pray for a miracle.”  I simply responded with “miracles don’t happen.”  The words flowed too easily from my lips and left me dumbfounded.  What happened to my faith?

Over the course of the past year I have been frustrated more times than not with a great number of things.  One is the way in which a man will work incredibly hard to provide for his children (as well as children who are not his own) yet is punished.  The other being those men who do not provide for their children and get away with it.  It has left me doubting and broken hearted one too  many times watching my children go without.  Now God has never failed us. He has always provided in one way or another but it has always been at the expense of those who should not be having to carry the burden.  Praying, asking and waiting for God to answer my specific prayer with what I think is the “right” answer left me doubting the existence of miracles.

So back to my story.  My husband asks his doubting wife to pray for a miracle.  I am not going to lie.  I did not pray, at first.  As I continued throughout my afternoon I felt an uneasiness in my spirit.  I have seen God do a great many things throughout the last few years of my life.  I have seen His will unfold while trusting His hand as He has worked in my life.  However the times in which I specifically prayed for “a miracle,” it didn’t happen.  I wrestled with the notion.  Should I pray for a miracle?  Was it worth taking a minute to specifically ask God for gas money?  Did He really care that we did not have money to put gas in our cars?  Oh the struggle as I argued back and forth with myself.  I just didn’t want another unanswered prayer (or what I felt like was an unanswered prayer). After spending time thinking it all over I caved and said a prayer.  I asked God to provide what He knew we needed and I waited.

That evening we loaded the children into the cars and headed to our weekly church group for a pool party.  I had to leave the party early to get my younger kids in bed on time for school the next day.  As I drove home the gas light came on and the bell chimed.  Tears flooded my eyes.  The frustration overwhelmed me.  It was swallowing me whole.  Enough was enough.

The hours passed and I finally heard the front door open as the rest of the crew arrived back home.  I was sitting on my bed as my husband walked into the room.  He looked at me and said, “remember how I asked you to pray for a miracle?”  I didn’t respond.  He began to read a note as he showed me a gift card.  It was a gift card for gas and a note that said where it could be used.  I just sat there.  Egg on my face.  God showing off 😉  Me left feeling foolish.

God knows what we need when we need it.  He knew my frustrations.  He knew my doubts.  He knows my heart.  He wasn’t trying to make me feel foolish. He was waiting for the right moment, the moment when I was feeling the most desperate and lacking faith in Him to show me He still moves stones.  

I know to some this story may not seem like a “miracle.”  To some it may sound like coincidence but to me, it was a much needed blessing.  Not just a financial need kind of blessing but a ‘I am here and I am real and working in your life’ kind of blessing.  God knows when we need those moments.  He knows we sometimes need a reminder of His presence in our life.  He is the God who provides.  He is our Jehovah Jireh.
We don’t know who the gift was from but we are thankful for a much needed answer to prayer.

Here is the bottom line: do not worry about your life.  Don’t worry about what you will eat or what you will drink. Don’t worry about how you clothe your body.  Living is about more than merely eating, and the body is about more than dressing up.  Look at the birds in the sky.  They do not store food for winter.  They don’t plant gardens.  They do not sow or reap – and yet, they are always fed because your heavenly Father feeds them.  And you are even more precious to Him than a beautiful bird,  If He looks after them, of course He will look after you.  Worrying does not do any good; who here can claim to add even an hour to his life by worrying?

Matthew 6:25-27

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