The things I wish my friends knew….

I wasn’t always this person. The one full of doubts constantly wondering if you’ll truly stick around.  I wasn’t always the person who cried so easily at the smallest of things. And I wasn’t the person who kept people at arm’s length but instead the one who greeted everyone I met, even the strangers, with a hug.

Walking away from abuse does not mean you get to walk away from the scars that have formed.  It doesn’t mean an instant healing of the heart. Sadly, instead, life goes from constant chaos to learning how to live again in a world that can be insensitive to those who have spent years enslaved in emotional bondage.

Life has become a struggle.  A constant battle to find the good in those around us. To trust that those we meet have pure intentions not looking to take something from us through control or manipulation.

We live with the obstacles of continuing triggers that shake us to the core when we are reminded of the past, the trauma we experienced. Nightmares that wake us in the middle of the night leaving us exhausted when sleep can’t be found.  The moments of fear that creep into our mind followed by the sudden fits of panic that steal our breath away often fill the hours of our days more frequently than we like.

The constant need to explain ourselves as the flood of emotions we often face leave us overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. The moments of turning inward as the waves of self-doubt still creep into our minds and leave us with feelings of emptiness. The embarrassment that arises from crying yet again from something as simple as a glass of spilled milk sends us scrambling for a safe place to hide.

If we could only make those around us understand what we’ve been through, those events that changed us from the fun loving, friendly and outgoing person we once were to the guarded and anxious person we are today, then life would get a little easier.

If only our friends could accept the person we are today.  To not question our every reaction or moment of silence.  To understand that our thought processes are nothing like their own as we no longer see the world through the rose colored glasses we once did. But instead, every situation meticulously dissected.

If only our friends understood the constant struggle our minds face as we attempt to navigate the relationships that surround us. If only they could see the ongoing battle with the thoughts that still linger from years living surrounded by lies then things might be a little easier.

Oh the things I wish my friends knew….but truly, more than anything, I wish they could know that girl…the one back then who always had a smile on her face and saw the good in everyone.  She might have been a bit naïve and trusted people more than she should but she was full of life and radiated joy.  Maybe one day, these friends will get a glimpse of that girl as their friendship and patience begins to restore the crushed and broken pieces of me. 

Nicole Hamilton

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Reflection on the ruins…

Reflection…I often find myself reflecting as I drive. This past Tuesday was no exception.

I was driving, my daughter in the passenger seat, Glorious Ruins blaring on the radio, us singing at the top of our lungs, tears flowing as we worshiped together. It was amazing. It was therapeutic. But shouldn’t have been?

 

For the past few days, I’ve felt like I was floundering. Like I’d jumped too high out of that amazing stream of tranquil water that typically leaves me full of peace but this time, I’m left gasping for air.

 

I had become my own worst enemy as my thoughts and emotions took over leading me to believe I was doomed. I was going to fail. I was going to die.

 

I felt totally alone and in fact, I thought I was. I was without hope and with no one to rescue me. I really had myself believing that life as I knew it was over.  Certainty of my impending doom left me stranded and believing I would never make my way back into the flow of His peace and blessing.

 

And then these words grabbed my heart…(click to hear Glorious Ruins: Hillsong)

 

Let the ruins come to life

In the beauty of Your name

Rising up from the ashes

God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge

In the shadow of Your wings

I will love You forever

And forever I’ll sing

Glorious Ruins: Hillsong

 

With those words, God once again began to breath life into my floundering, exhausted soul. Suddenly the fight, the feelings of wanting to give up, quickly subsided as He reminded me of the refuge found in Him. The safety and comfort that comes from resting in the peace of His mighty wings.

 

I have walked through fire before and His story of love and grace carried me through that fire but I had forgotten. I had lost sight of Him, of His truth.

 

Though daily, the enemy relentlessly tries to beat me down through an extensive list of avenues. His hope is that I’ll forget God’s goodness while attempting to destroy my faith, leaving me to doubt the significant and unfailing love of my Daddy.  But each of those moments left doubting His love while questioning my worth are just wasted moments. He is always patiently waiting, wanting, longing for me to step into His glorious presence.

 

In the end, He always brings the ruins back to life. And because of Him, I can hold my head high. Because of Him, each and every failure is lost because of that day when Jesus took His place upon the cross. And in that moment, that selfless sacrifice He made upon the cross is a perfect example of the unconditional and amazing love of Jesus. And on those days, when I’ve waited too long to spend time with Him, He picks me up, wipes away the tears and He not only places me back in the streams of His mercy and grace but He breaths life back into my weary soul once again.

 

How enduring is God’s loyal love;

the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion.

Here they are, every morning, new!

Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the new day.

Lamentations 3:22-23

What I wish my friends knew….

I wasn’t always this person. The one full of doubts questioning whether or not you would stick around.  I wasn’t always the person whose tears fell  so easily. And I wasn’t the person who kept people at arm’s length. Instead, I was once the one who greeted everyone I met, including the strangers, with a hug. 

Walking away from abuse does not mean you lose the scars that have formed.  It also doesn’t mean an instant healing of the heart. Sadly, life goes from constant chaos to an unsettling state of silence which takes years to understand in a world that can be insensitive to those who spent years enslaved in emotional bondage.

For now,  life has become a struggle.  A constant battle to find the good in those around us. To trust that those we meet have pure intentions not wanting to take something from us through control or manipulation.

We live with the obstacles of continuing triggers that remind us of the past, the trauma we experienced. Nightmares that wake us, leaving us exhausted when sleep can’t be found.  There are moments of fear that creep into our mind and fits of panic that steal our breath away which fill the hours of our days more frequently than we like.

The constant need to explain ourselves as the flood of emotions we face leave us overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. The moments of turning inward as the waves of self-doubt creep into our minds and leave us with feelings of emptiness. The embarrassment of crying yet again, from something as simple as a glass of spilled milk, sends us scrambling for a safe place to hide.

If we could only make those around us understand what we’ve been through and the way our journey changed us from the fun loving, friendly and outgoing person we once were to the now guarded and anxious person we are today, life might be a little simpler.

If only our friends could accept the person we are today.  To not question our every motive,  reaction or moment of silence.  To understand that our thought process is nothing like their own as we no longer see the world through the rose colored glasses we once did. But instead, every situation meticulously dissected.

If only our friends understood the constant struggle our minds face as we attempt to navigate the relationships that surround us. If only they could see the ongoing battle with thoughts that still linger from years living surrounded by uncertainty then things might be a little easier.

Oh the things I wish my friends knew. But truly, more than anything, I wish they could know that girl, the one back then who always had a smile on her face and saw the good in everyone.  She might have been a bit naïve and trusted people more than she should but she was full of life and radiated joy.  Maybe one day, these friends will get a glimpse of that girl as their friendship and patience begins to restore the crushed and broken pieces of me.