Priorities

“A Woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.”

I’ve always thought that was a powerful statement. That in order for any man to find a woman that he should have to seek out God before he can find her. It’s one of those things that I can’t express loud enough to my single friends and daughters. But as incredible as that statement is, it shouldn’t stop there.

It’s easy to see that statement and think about what it looks like before we get married. That in order to find the man we’re supposed to marry that our walk with Jesus should be solid. And it should be. But we married women need that reminder too because that statement should follow us throughout the entirety of our lives. Even once we are married. Because once we’re married we shouldn’t give up on our pursuit of God. He should still be our number one priority. We should be so in love with God that it draws our husbands to Him. We should be so in love with Jesus and spending time with Him that our husbands can’t find us unless they’re sitting with Him too.

It’s easy in marriage to become cynical. It’s even easier to become bitter and resentful after years of unmet expectations and disappointments. It’s easy to cling to hurt and focus on what we don’t have. We women are amazing at doing that! But when we focus on our Creator those things sort of wash away as we take our eyes off our circumstances and look at the One who gave us our spouse to begin with. We can’t go wrong when we’re focused on the right things. Our heart won’t grow cold when our heart is full of love for our Creator.

If you’re struggling in your marriage today, if the love you once shared has run cold and you’re just ready to give up…don’t look in any other direction but up. Go to the source, the One who brought you together to begin with. Focus on God’s love for you and allow Him to place His hand upon your heart and as His love fills you up it will pour out of you and into your spouse. Because the more we pursue God, the more our love and affection for Him trumps all others and the more things in our life will start to make sense leaving us more fulfilled and content.

Those are big words and big steps to take if you haven’t already been living that way. Trust me. I know. It has taken a lot of painstakingly new habits and daily reminders to focus on the things above as a way to remind me to turn my eyes in the direction of the cross. But on the days that I remember to do those things life is different. My day is different. My attitude is different. My heart is different. My reactions are different. The way I love is different.

When we pursue Jesus with all of our heart and allow the Spirit to move within us…everything changes. So be that woman. Be that woman that chases after God so hard that the only way her husband will ever find her is through his own pursuit of God.

Silenced

Twenty some odd years ago, I was preparing for a life of marriage and family.  Learning to become the wife I thought I should be. Soaking up all the knowledge being thrown my way.  I was bound and determined that I would do this marriage thing right. I was nineteen years old and had dreamed for a very long time about being a wife and a mom. And it was all about to come true.

During an extended weekend of marriage counseling, it was repeated more times than I can count that, “you never speak negatively of your spouse to anyone.” The reason being that for you, a situation may arise that causes hurt or frustration that you and your spouse might encounter but later end up working through and are able to move on from in a positive direction.  But for those in your life that you might share this struggle with, they are stuck in that moment involving what you have shared and may not be able to look past the offenses of your spouse and so they then hold it against them.  That made sense to me and so that became a principle I held to with everything in me.

Fast forward many years later. I had spent many years married. Many things happened. Many things kept a secret because of a principle. I did not speak a negative word about my spouse. I followed those words of instruction as if my life depended on it and it cost me. a lot.

It wasn’t until yesterday, when I was having a conversation with someone that this was pointed out to me. I have been through YEARS of counseling trying to reconcile what had been done to me by family and friends.  I experienced some of the worst forms of betrayal, and I have been unable to figure out why. But now I better understand.

The lesson I thought I learned, and what I thought was good advice, ended up being anything but.

I had never once spoken ill of my spouse or the things happening in my home.  I never shared with anyone until it was too late.  And because I never spoke up. No one believed me.

A few months ago, our pastor was talking about marriage. One of the things he shared that stuck with me was that by the time most people turn to their pastors for help, things have gotten bad.  To the point, that it makes it difficult for staff to determine what is happening or how they can help.  He also said that usually by the time someone comes forward they have reached the point that they are beyond wanting to save their marriage.  As I thought about his statement, it made a lot of sense, and it can be applied to the “principle” shared with me all those years ago. Talk to someone before things get worse. Do not stay quiet!  Find a trusted person that you can confide in about what is taking place. Keep a journal. If you are not in immediate danger, write down events as they happen and then check in with someone who can help you process and decide what steps to take next.

At the end of the day, people mean well. But people are not always right. And this goes for believers too.

The takeaway of this story: no one needs to trash or demean a spouse to ANYONE because they are mad at said spouse. That is NOT okay. However, if someone is causing you harm, repeatedly, whether physically, emotionally, or mentally, DO NOT STAY QUIET. Tell someone! Abuse of any form is not okay and should not be kept quiet.

Quieter

The ongoing script pushed by those continuing to sensationalize a false narrative, is that of misinformation and confusion that the church/believers only care about “winning” the SCOTUS decision and/or only care about the birth/life of a child.

I’m pretty certain I can say this regarding the churches I have previously attended, that the sanctity of life is regularly taught and fought for and that those same churches have taken action to help those in crisis. That single moms have been welcomed and those in financial need have been helped and cared for. This I know personally as I have been taken care of in this way by the churches I have attended. The churches I have attended have supported and participated in helping the local crisis pregnancy centers. Foster care and adoption highly are encouraged, supported and an active ministry within the church (and this is most true for the church I currently attend).

All of this to say, believers have not been sitting idly by for the last 50 years just waiting for a change. No. Many have been actively involved in their communities caring for those who needed care. Are you shocked? Maybe surprised? Of course, you are. Because this isn’t the narrative being spun by the media or those pushing a certain agenda. Like every other hot button topic out there, misinformation is shared, and hatred spread thus creating further division through propaganda and scandal. Sadly, this country falls for it each time it happens. Whether it’s Covid, a shot or now this, we play into the hands of those wanting to divide and conquer. Instead of taking a minute and sitting with a fellow human to truly share in real conversation, we feed into the chaos. The chaos created as a way to further push the real agenda of power, control and money.

Once again I am praying that the bickering, arguing, insults, threats and demeaning stop. That we learn to listen and to see one another as human beings worthy of love and respect. That regardless of your stance, it is just that, your stance and a choice made as an individual whether that involves, Covid, same sex marriage, abortion, religion, you name it. To remember that an individual’s beliefs or opinions have never been swayed by a lack of compassion or by abusive and bullying behavior.

For those who label themselves as a believer or follower of Jesus, the belief’s we hold are based on the Truth of scripture and those Truth’s do not change. However, as I’ve mentioned in another post, an individuals’ beliefs about Truth are determined by one’s personal relationship with the Holy Spirit and each relationship is different so we aren’t always going to land on the same truth.

We need to remember, right and wrong/good and evil still exist and even when the world tries to teach something differently, we must hold to the Truth of God’s word. His word has always called for action not just word.  So, we can share our thoughts on these topics but we need to move! Act! Go, Do and BE to those who do not know Him! We are the hands and feet and though we can speak the Truth, the world is changed when words are put into action.

This world desperately needs Jesus, but they aren’t going to find Him through the hateful or demeaning words on social media or picket signs. We should look and act differently than the world and that cannot happen if we are conformed to its image.

We must remember that the posts, the protests, and the hatred being spread, does not and will not change the Truth of scripture and God’s sovereignty.  We also need to remember that none of this is a battle that we need to win because it has already been won. We know He had the victory and that one day, every single knee will bow, and tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord! So, rejoice in knowing these things! Pray that eyes will continue to be opened to truth, and pray for true repentance in our country. 

In the end, remember to be strong and courageous! We need to love and respect one another! To stand in strength, in love, in humility, in hope, and in joy! One day, these things will pass away and will be made new through Him!

Painted Fences

Words matter. What I might think or call good/beneficial, might be different than what someone else thinks or sees as good. What I believe as bad/sinful may not be bad to another. The banter and disagreements over sensitive topics that many people feel differently yet passionately about is overwhelming. Perspectives based on things such as life experience, spiritual/faith beliefs, or just our own pride, help to shape the way we view the world.

But at the end of the day, we each have the right to decide for ourselves (not everyone else) what our individual belief system will involve. What we in our home may see as good or sinful, may not be how it is seen by others. It does not make you wrong and me right. Instead, it just puts us on opposite sides of the same fence. I may paint my side of the fence blue, while you paint your side red. We’re looking at the same fence just different colors. I’m not going to argue with you to paint your side blue. Even though it is the better color 😉 No. You are free to choose. But your choice will not impact my belief in what I consider as the more beautiful color.

A lot of the issues we see being thrown around are being stirred up by those who do not like that not everyone agrees with their choices, their lifestyle, their attitudes, or words. They want others to agree or be okay with what they are doing or saying or believing. They don’t like thinking that there are people who view certain actions as “evil” or “bad”. So, those who believe their way of thinking is the only way, will then put down and demean anyone who crosses their path and doesn’t agree. It’s interesting to me because many years ago, I was in counseling and listened as the counselor told the other party sitting in the room that they were a smooth-talking person who would take down any individual so as to accomplish their agenda. I often think of that day in counseling as I see this type of personality played out on social media as those individuals work to force their agenda on others no matter the cost.  Anything to accomplish the agenda of painting the fence the color they deem as the correct color. If you are someone who must demean another to get your point across, then maybe there is something not quite upstanding about the statement you are trying to make. What we believe is our personal choice and right but how we display and share that belief should be done with kindness and respect if shared or displayed at all.

Another thought to consider. For those who are called believers or profess to follow Jesus, beliefs and convictions come differently. We start with Jesus. Often in debates, people will bring Him into the argument by saying He has room at the table for everyone. Agreed. I believe He does. But I also know that He turned over the tables in the temple when people did wrong. He didn’t invite them to sit and share a drink. I am then reminded of the woman caught in adultery. He didn’t tell her she was loved and to then go live a happy life. No. He told her to go and sin no more. He accepted her but with a condition. In saying, “Go and sin no more,” He was not speaking of sinless perfection, but he was warning against a return to sinful lifestyle choices. The words He spoke extended mercy yet demanded holiness. He is the perfect balance of “grace and truth”. With His forgiveness comes the expectation that we will not continue in the same path of disobedience and for those who know God’s love, obedience will be the natural course of action. (John 14:15). Unfortunately, that is not the gospel being taught nowadays. It appears instead, we have a teaching that says, “you can sin as you like because God loves you. There are no consequences for sin because love is all we need.” For me, I cannot ascribe to this particular teaching because it goes against what I believe to be true about the bible and the sacrifice Jesus made. But that is between me, and the conviction placed on my heart by the Holy Spirit. That comes from the personal relationship I have with the Holy Spirit and the truths that He reveals to me as part of that relationship. Only He can change that belief in me. Not the arguments of others. Not the put downs. Not the threats or accusations. Only His work in my life will move me to change the paint on my side of the fence should it need changing. That is why beliefs and convictions are different for believers. We each are at a different stage in our walk with the Spirit which means we may not all be on the same page. So, we need to recognize and acknowledge we all are different and act in kindness.  In addition, this world is made up of 7.753 billion people. We are never all going to agree. So that leaves me to ask that you please respect my beliefs as I respect yours. You do not have to agree with what I believe or do, just I as do not have to agree with what you believe or do. We have the right to our individuality. However, though we may differ in those things, I will still choose to love you. Support you. Encourage you. Pray for you. Be your biggest cheerleader. And I can do all those things because you are a human being worthy of respect and love! And that is love!

Empty

Abusers, Bullies, Narcissists, whichever label you choose, we are learning more about them each day and the way in which they affect society. They are individuals who ridicule and demean, amongst other things, those who do not see the world exactly as they do. They treat those that do not walk the line the way in which they see fit as lesser individuals than themselves. They tell those with beliefs and opinions that do not align with their own that “this is the way it is and if you do not see it my way then ____________”. You fill in the blank.

Please understand, should you encounter an individual with this type of attitude and displaying a form of superiority, it is best to just walk away. The words they speak, the thoughts they share are not worth entertaining.

Human beings respect one another and display kindness and compassion regardless of whether they share the same opinions, ideas, or beliefs.  Do not allow the toxicity that slips from the lips of these individuals to infect your heart, mind, and soul. I know that is a hard thing to do, especially when you have a gentle heart, but rest assured, it is in the best interest of everyone to turn away from such things.

Those who speak to others in an abusive manner have lost the right to be heard. So, when you encounter those without kindness, compassion and/or empathy, it is your choice whether to allow them to “pass through” the boundaries you set.

You are valuable. Your thoughts, words and beliefs have purpose and are important. No one has the right to tell you who you are and what you should believe or support. Don’t ever forget that!

Imagine the world if we stopped showing attention to those who cannot engage in a human way?

“Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!“

Romans 12:14-16

Burnt Bridges

Advocacy will always be part of who I am. Even if it means burning bridges. And I’ve burnt bridges.

We were never meant to be everyone’s best friend. We were definitely not meant to be in agreement with everyone.

You have to know your truth and stand up for that truth. Even when it is painful.

Today’s world has become a place where you are only allowed to believe one way and if you do not jump on that bandwagon, YOU are the issue. Well that is not true and it has taken me such a long time to understand that I do have the right to stand up for myself.

Don’t let the bullies of this world prevent you from voicing those things that are important to you. We all have a voice and something to share. So speak up! And know that no matter what, even if our beliefs differ, I’ll be there loving you, treating you like the human being that you are and supporting you!

A New Identity, A Pair of Broken Wings and One Great Hope

I accept that many will never understand the pain others suffer. I accept that unless some things happen to you personally, it’s hard to acknowledge the hurt it causes to others. Sometimes we need to take a step back, stop debating and realize that people are hurting. Suffering. They need to be rescued. They need to know that someone cares and loves them. They need their broken wings healed. They need HOPE. Will you visit Give Her Wings and offer someone hope?

 

Seven years ago, writing became a big part of my life.  I did not know the purpose or reason at the time but God did.  He was aware of my impending storm and prepared me for the road ahead.  

If you have never dealt with divorce, it is hard to understand the emotions involved and even harder to relate.  There is so much pain from feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, feelings of betrayal, fear and hurt that never seem to end.  For me, except for my parents and siblings as well a dear friend who lived two minutes from my home, I was alone. My church, my closest friends and my extended family abandoned me.  At a time when love and support were needed, I found none. It was not only lonely but scary.
After the trials and storms, He has given me a place and a purpose to be for others what I did not have. By sharing His love, His grace and His hope, I can help women who are not just suffering from the loss of their marriage but struggling to find their “new” identity.
Throughout the last few years I have encountered many women whose experiences were much like mine.  Recognizing their pain and being aware of how much it happens, leaves me with a great desire to offer encouragement to those hurting.  I want them to know they are not alone and they have a great HOPE.
Several months ago, I commented on a Facebook post of a friend. That same day I received a friend request from someone I did not know who had also left a comment.  Because we had several mutual friends I accepted and God began a work. Little did I know the way He was working, orchestrating a new journey for me.

As I visited the profile of my new friend, I discovered that my beautiful new friend Megan and her husband are part of an incredible ministry, Give Her Wings.   While reading about this ministry, their mission and purpose left me overcome with gratitude. The mission:  Helping to give specific mothers who have left abusive situations a chance to get on their feet…to breathe…to heal their broken wings and fly free again.   Being one who understands and is passionate to serve those women who are left to start over, I wanted to help.  I wanted to do what they were doing but I was only one person. I didn’t even know how to start such an undertaking.

Time passed but the feelings grew stronger. It took time for me to recognize the nudging of the Holy Spirit to contact Megan.  I didn’t know what to say but began by sharing my story and the desire to be a part of this amazing work God was doing through them. Much to my surprise my message was met with such encouragement.  God opened doors and made it clear that this ministry, Give Her Wings, was where He wanted me.

Less than a month ago I received a special gift in the mail that touched my heart. Megan has written an amazing book also titled Give Her Wings.  This incredible book brought so much healing as the words spoke such truth and love as well as encouragement. It was filled with clarity, compassion and hope and helped to free me from the struggle of guilt I often experience. It is a great resource filled with practical advice for mamas searching for answers in what can be such a dark journey while giving excellent and much-needed advice and wisdom to those walking alongside those dealing with abuse. It is a much needed resource for an area that is greatly lacking in many churches and one every pastor should read. To learn more about her book or to pick up a copy for yourself, click here.

So if you have made it this far into this post I have something for you to consider.  Right now as you are reading, someone’s name has probably come to mind. Someone in your life is dealing with a struggling marriage or with abuse.  With that said, I would like to ask something of you because there is something you can do.

First, you can pray. Whoever God has placed on your heart, say a prayer. You don’t need details because God knows. Realizing the struggle is more than enough.  It simply takes a minute to pray. Mamas and their babies (even the husbands) who are dealing with this battle need to be covered in prayer. These families need to be loved on and shown that they are not alone.  And we can intercede on their behalf by lifting them up in prayer.

My second request is for you to visit the website Give Her Wings. The purpose of Give Her Wings is to raise gifts and money for mothers who have left abusive situations. Oftentimes, when a woman leaves an abusive marriage, she narrowly escapes with little more than her children and the clothes on her back. Give Her Wings desires to do all they can to help specific mothers who are living in very poor conditions presently.  Once there you can read more about the ministry as well blog posts and updates on mamas who have been helped. There is also a place to donate and support the ministry as well as nominate a mama you may know who needs help.

There is so much hurting in our world.  So many people left without hope. People need to be reminded of our mighty God who loves and longs to walk alongside them through the darkest storms in life.  To know that we, the Church, are here to love and walk with them. We need to be the light. We need to be on mission.  We are called to care for those around us who are hurting and in need.

Help me take the first step in making a difference. Visit GiveHerWings.com and see what part you can play in the lives of those who need our help to heal their broken wings and fly free again.  Thank you in advance for your help as we make a difference in a world that often can be dark.

Can I go anywhere apart from you Spirit?

Is there anywhere I can go to escape Your watchful presence?

If I go up into Heaven, You are there.

If I make my bed in the realm of the dead, You are there.

If I ride on the wings of morning,

if I make my home in the most isolated part of the ocean,

Even then You will be there to guide me;

Your right hand will embrace me, for You are always there.

Even if I am afraid and think to myself, “There is no doubt that the darkness will swallow me,

the light around me will soon be turned night,”

You can see in the dark, for it is not dark to Your eyes.

For You the night is just as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are the same to Your eyes.

Psalm 139:7-12

Mr. Grey, Freddy Krueger and A Pair of Wings

Ok all my friends out there…especially those who secretly bought Fifty Shades of Grey electronically so no one would know. Yeah you 😉I know you’re out there because I saw you liked the Fifty Shades of Grey Facebook Page 🙂

So now that you’ve supported the book, it is time to step up and help women who have left abusive relationships. It is time to put away your book and stand up for the oppressed. We need YOUR help as we raise support for our mama for the month of March. For anyone who knows my story, this is her story too. So help us love on a very deserving mama and her babies.

Visit Give Her Wings and make your donation. For any size donation you will receive a FREE copy of Give Her Wings: Help and Healing after abuse. An amazing book that brought tremendous healing to this mama’s heart.

Learn to do good;

commit yourselves to seeking justice.

Make right for the world’s most vulnerable

the oppressed, the orphaned, the widow.

Isaiah 1:17

And you DO NOT want to miss this video!!

“In real life, Mr. Grey is really Freddy Krueger.”

 Originally posted on For Always

Toxic Sludge and healthy boundaries: Is there a need?

I’ve been pondering extending boundaries in my life.  Drawing the line.  Separating myself from those I find toxic.  This is an incredibly hard thing for me because I can be a people pleaser.

 

I used to be believe those in my life, had a “right” to be on the “inside” of my life.  Through recent years, I have learned that not to be true.  No one has the “right” to your life.  

 

Throughout the past few years I learned a lot about toxic relationships.  I never realized how many of my relationships were toxic until the floor fell from beneath my feet.  I was totally unaware of the shallowness of the relationships I found myself in and in the end, shocked by it.

 

I spent time examining the people and relationships around me.  I have slowly distanced myself with many and am beginning to place more healthy boundaries around myself  to keep out those who cause harm.

 

Now let me say a difference exists between toxic relationships and those simply challenging us.  I’m not speaking of those challenging relationships in this post.  Totally different topic.

 

So what might a toxic relationship look like? This is my list.  What I’ve put together over the course of the last few years in an attempt to “weed out” those healthy for my family.

 

1. Always giving advice:  The need to fix everything and everyone.  The one who is critical and sees everything and everyone as broken. The one who can do it better and has all the answers.  Now advice giving is not wrong.  Everyone needs advice at times but there are those who talk and talk but never listen.  They are quick to speak and ready to pounce the minute you finish your sentence. So if someone never waits to be asked but is ready to give, and lacks any sort of humility or respect in their approach, they might be toxic.
2. Over the top:  From the instant they first appear on the scene, everything is wonderful.  You are wonderful.  You are the only person who “gets it” in their life.  Everything you say is “spot on.”  BIG FAT RED FLAGS in my book.  They are trying way too hard.  My question becomes why?  I know I am not that great and everything I say is NOT spot on so why the big production.  Tread carefully.
3. Center of attention:  This one is not typically hard to recognize.  It can more than just being the one to talk the most or loudest in a group.  It can also include the person who instantly cites their resume to you on first meeting.  For me I’ve found when serving with someone, if our first meeting includes a list of their qualifications, I’m running.  There needs to be humility.  Allow others to discover your “good works.”  Nowadays social media has also become a great tool for spotting this type as well.
4. No room for grace:  This one is huge for me.  They are quick to point out the failures in others yet can somehow magically miss the huge plank in their own eye.  They shun or judge others they do not truly know.  They cause disunity among community and family.
5. Those who “fake it”:  I have become acutely aware of those who will smile and hug me like they love me and the second I leave the room, talk about me.  I can spot a fake smile and hug and when I come across them,  boundaries are placed. I also look out for those who say one thing about their life to me but when in the presence of people they feel are important, talk a totally different game.  And I never forget the old saying, “those who gossip to you, gossip about you.”
6. Manipulators:  A no brainer but sadly I missed it for years.  It is those who spend their time attempting to change the perception or behaviour in others by using deception or underhanded ways.   Among the various methods used,  I have fallen for the lying or guilting me into doing what they want me to do method.

Now for me, these on their own do not signal a toxic person.  However mix several together and you are probably on target.  I have learned to set my boundaries and observe from a distance.  It usually does not take long for true character to reveal itself.  In the end, you may see things in a different light.  Until then, guard your heart and mind while keeping your eyes wide open.

 

Any place where you find jealousy and selfish ambition, you will discover chaos and evil thriving under its rule. Heavenly wisdom centers on purity, peace, gentleness, deference, mercy and other good fruits untainted by hypocrisy. The seed that flowers into righteousness will always be planted in peace by those who embrace peace.

James 3:16-18

Originally posted on todayforalways.blogspot.com