When Darkness Comes

When the curtain of darkness surrounds you, almost swallows you whole, where do you go? What do you do?

I find myself there more times than I care to admit. The smothering sensation that will leave me gasping for breath and wishing for the day to end falls. It falls heavily and quickly, and the strength needed to escape doesn’t come as easily as I would wish. But in those moments, I have two choices: I can fade into the background and allow the darkness to consume me or I can extend my hand and reach out for the One who is wanting mine.

Darkness is a funny thing. It can be scary and comforting all at the same time.

Darkness can usher in fear through the unknown. Leave us questioning what we’ll find lurking around the corner. Too scared to look under the bed? Me too. The unknown is a cold and lonely place.

But that same darkness can also bring a sense of comfort as we choose to bunker down and wallow in our doubts and fears. Choosing to stay resolute in a posture of defeat.  Oftentimes that feels easier. But it’s not. Because the longer we stay there, in that darkness, the longer it will take to find a way out.

The battle out is hard. Fighting takes a lot of strength, courage, and stamina. But I’ve learned that we don’t fight alone. We haven’t been left alone to fight these battles. Jesus came, He conquered, and He won the victory. But victory doesn’t mean that there won’t be pain or disappointment. We have to weather through the hard in order to reach the victory.

You can be certain that the enemy is watching and waiting to pounce. Looking to destroy and add to the darkness. You have to be prepared for the frustration when the disappointments abound. Aware of the anger that grows when it feels like God isn’t hearing your prayers or doing something to remedy the pain. Because it happens. We question His goodness. We question His presence. Sometimes we even find ourselves sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor crying out to Him in anger because we’re tired. Tired of feeling ignored. And when we’re feeling hurt or disappointed it’s easy to lose sight of Him. In the middle of the chaos and pain, it’s easy to miss the sound of His voice. And we can get even more lost in the darkness.

But He’s there and He’s listening. He’s fully aware of what is happening and why. And if we’re paying attention and listening, He makes His presence known. Whether it’s through a friend or a book or a passage of scripture. In that moment, He finds us where we are, and He speaks exactly what our hearts need to hear but we must be listening. Willing to hear what’s not always easy to hear.

So we must be still. If we want the victory, we must be still and listen to His voice.

The enemy wants that victory. But if we just hold on and fight then we begin to see the rewards that come from being faithful to that which we believe. We begin to experience the victory that Jesus says we have. When we wage war in the valley, we eventually hit those mountain tops where God reveals His splendor and faithfulness in ways that take our breath away.

So we mustn’t give up! Giving up will just leave us empty and searching for something else to fill the emptiness. Instead, we must fight because fighting ignites a fire within us that allows us to see a bigger purpose for ourselves, and for all that God is doing in our lives. It allows God to shine through us. It offers people hope where they will find encouragement through our struggle and in our stories. Our battle can help others find victory and strength in their darkness. So don’t be afraid of the battle. And most importantly…. don’t be afraid of your story! Use to inspire others to continue fighting! Because it’s worth it! Because victory is just around the corner!

“But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

How Long?

How many times have I asked God, “how much longer?”  Truthfully, I have lost count. There are days when I just wish I could get a tiny glimpse of His eternal perspective. I keep telling myself that if only I could see just a little bit of where all of this is going then maybe it would help me better understand why He has allowed some really hard things to happen in our family.

Perhaps, like me, you have prayed for God to turn a situation around in your life but instead of things getting better, your greatest fears have become your reality. You feel forgotten by God and totally alone. You find yourself on a journey you never wanted to take and the constant question that plays over in your head is “why has He allowed this in my life?”

A few months ago, I was reading through Psalms 13 and was struck with the question asked by David:

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
    How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
    with sorrow in my heart every day?
    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Those words resonated so deeply in my soul but at the same time offered a comfort and peace.  In that moment, I realized that we can take our questions to God. We can be honest with Him about our emotions and hurts.  We don’t have to hold back or be afraid that He might be offended by our outburst or tears.  Instead, we can be confident that He knows our hurt but even more so, He sees our hearts.  Instead of venting to someone else or turning to social media to distract us once again, we can bring our broken hearts straight to the throne of God.

David goes on to say:

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

Don’t be afraid to pour out your heart and to ask God for His supernatural help. There is no relief when we attempt to undo the pain or correct the struggle on our own. Trying to work in our strength only leads to deeper pain. God alone is the source of our strength and the only one who holds the answers. He is the restorer of our souls and the one who can and will lift us from the pits of despair. We must reach the place where we acknowledge that we cannot fix things ourselves or our damaged situation, and instead find ourselves at His feet in surrender asking the Almighty to stand in the gap on our behalf.

David ends with:

But I trust in your unfailing love.
    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
 I will sing to the Lord
    because he is good to me.

Focus on what is true. Everything around us may change but God is our constant. He is in control.  He is good and He is faithful.  In every season, no matter how painful the circumstances, we have reason to rejoice because He is a God who delivers. He fights for us and in the end, He will have the victory! When we are facing things we cannot control, and choose to believe He is who He says, even when things do not make sense, our faith is strengthened.

Remember that you do not need to hide your feelings from God. He knows each of us. We can pour out our hearts to Him and trust that He hears us and He sees us.  His character never changes and the love He has for His children runs deep. When you are going through a season of injustice, pain and suffering don’t avoid your time with God because of fear in not knowing how to voice your frustrations and hurt. Pray to Him in confidence and freedom, knowing that He IS your loving Father that you can share your unspeakable pain with and trust Him for all He is and all that He has done. God will keep us standing and He WILL give us a new song to sing!!

Turnaround

Over the years, life has been full of many disappointments and lost dreams with what often has felt like little promise of a turnaround.

If I’m being completely honest, had God given me the insight at 19 of what my journey might have looked like, I’m certain I would have done many things differently. Had I held the foreknowledge of the events that would transpire over the course of my life, I think I might have run the other way from many of the choices I made when I was younger. Yes, those words might sound harsh, but it is in the reality and harshness of life where we find our greatest blessings.

We were never promised an easy road, and I won’t pretend that life is without disappointments and pain. I’ve learned that to share my story and who God is in my story, all the parts; the good, the bad and the ugly should be shared so others can be encouraged and find the hope that can only be found in Jesus. So, the stark reality is this; life isn’t butterflies and roses. When we choose to follow Jesus, we are not handed a “get out of jail free” card and knowing that truth, we need to be there to support, encourage and remind one another of what stands on the other side of our doubts and fears. That there is hope in the but God moments.

But God. He is so good to remind us of where hard roads can take us. For me, He reminds me through the amazing gift of my 5 amazing kids. These five came from a situation I would have never chosen for myself all those years ago had I known the destruction and chaos that would evolve out of many years of dishonesty. However, God uses and continues to use those amazing kids of mine to constantly remind me of His ability to take the ugliest and most painful experiences and turn them into tapestries of beauty that far exceed anything I could create or even imagine on my own (Ephesians 3:20).

His reminders and provisions give me the tenacity to hold on to the unknown because of the confidence I can have in knowing what He’s capable of creating and doing in my life. I’m reminded that this story, my story isn’t finished and that there are many more chapters to be written. And with confidence I can expect that once this season, this chapter, concludes I will once again stand amazed at the way God works in all things when we trust and love Him.

I am aware that the words I have written may sound absurd to many who have made it this far in this post, but the truth is that God can use our most painful situations and turn them into great moments of joy and thankfulness. That as He continues working in our lives, we can discoverer a peace and faith that will transform our lives. Rest assured there will be pain and disappointment, but we can rest in knowing the truth of who He is.

Knowing all I’ve written to be true from my own experiences, I will encourage you to choose to hang on longer and to trust Him more fully. I encourage you to stand guard and be aware of the attacks of the enemy whose plan is to discourage you from trusting and remembering the goodness and faithfulness of God.

Life didn’t turn out the way I would have planned for myself as may be the same for many of you reading, but up to this point, I still wouldn’t choose for things to be any different. God has most definitely blessed me with way more than I could have ever hoped for myself and moved in ways I could have never imagined. So, until this season passes, I will find comfort in knowing that He is faithful and that He will move in mighty ways again! Will you choose the same?

Defeat of the Monster

The darkness weighs heavy.  The silence, deafening. You step out into the sunlight only to find that the world you once knew is now gone. Darkness distorts the landscape and faces encircling you. You begin walking, looking for something familiar only to find that you have stumbled into a world far from the one you once lived.

Familiarity and safety have evaporated into lingering moments of fear and isolation. Before you drifted off to sleep the night before, the world appeared normal. However, while you slept, something happened and everything changed.

While you slept, he slithered from under your bed and began to gnaw away at any semblance of normalcy you once knew.  The hiss of his lies filled the ears of the eagerly awaiting crowds as they devoured away at the gossip that allowed them to forget their own troubles if only for a moment. Suspicion and judgement filled their minds as darkness began to make its way into the world you once lived.

And now, here you stand, alone and unable to recognize the landscape where you once found safety.  Everything has changed. The monster surfaced while you slept and succeeded in killing and destroying anything daring to step into his path.

This is your life. And as you stand in horror and watch it crumble around you the shouts of betrayal rings loud through the air.  “Slanderer, Glutton, Unfit Mother, Adulterer, Drug Addict, Alcoholic!” Their chants ring through the streets as you stand in silence and disbelief.

While you were sleeping, sides were taken.  You never even stood a chance.  Defeat was determined the moment the monster spoke.

Standing alone, the cold trickle of betrayal makes its presence known. You part your lips to speak only to realize no one is listening. The hour of escape has passed.  Your moment of being heard, long gone.

But then, you hear a sound.  A faint whisper. You turn, searching for the object of its origin. But nothing. The words barely audible. You close your eyes and focus. You stand and wait.

The noise of the crowd is maddening. The chaos is crippling. If the noise would just stop, if even for just a moment you might could make out then words. And then, it happens. The voice, you hear it again.  It is as if you have been picked up and placed miles away from the crowd. The silence is beautiful. But then melodic words fill the air.  Warmth invades your heart as you hear, “You are Mine. I have you!”

The voice is undeniable. You recognize the love, and the peace as the words fall over you. The sound of His voice offers hope to the anxious feelings of your heart as you realize, He is here!

The monster will not win.  Victory does not belong to those who seek evil. Yes, the monster will create chaos and leave a wake of destruction in his path, but he cannot destroy you. 

You, my darling sister, are a daughter of the King.  He holds you in His mighty hand and covers you with the feathers of His faithfulness and love.  The darkness that surrounds you is only temporary.  Yes it is dark and cold but it has a purpose.  God has a plan.  He is going to use you.  He is going to raise you up.  He is going to take every broken piece that the monster has destroyed and restore it. But not just restore it.  He is going to redeem your story and give you wings that will allow you to soar above the chaos and see His hand at work. 

My darling sister, it will take time.  It will be difficult. This kind of transformation is never easy but the reward will be great.  You will witness the power of God hand in a way that you never thought possible.  You might not witness the demise of your monster but you will be in the hands of the most High and you will experience His love, His grace and His faithfulness in  way that will change you forever. 

Hold on tight my beloved sister. Your journey has just begun.  The road will be rocky and the storms will rage but when the sun appears, you will know, you have been rescued!

Who will back me up when evildoers come against me?
    Who is willing to take my side against the wicked?
 If the Eternal had not come to my rescue,
    my soul would have descended to the land where death silences every voice.
When I said, “My foot is slipping!”

    Your unfailing love, O Eternal One, held me up.
When anxiety overtakes me and worries are many,
    Your comfort lightens my soul.

But the Eternal has been my citadel;
    my God, a sure safe haven.Psalm 94:16-19, 22

The Hiss of Betrayal

The darkness weighs heavy.  The silence, almost deafening. You step out into the sunlight only to find that the world you once knew, gone. Darkness distorts the landscape and faces encircling you. You begin walking, looking for something familiar only to find that you have stumbled into a world far from the one you once lived.

Familiarity and safety have evaporated into lingering moments of fear and isolation. Before you drifted off to sleep the night before, the world appeared normal. However, during the night, while you slept, something happened.  Everything changed.

While you slept, he slithered from beneath your bed and began to gnaw away at any semblance of normalcy you once knew.  The hiss of his lies filled the ears of the eagerly awaiting crowds as they devoured away at the gossip that allowed them to forget their own troubles for the moment. Suspicion and judgement crept into their minds as darkness began to make its way into the world you once lived.

And now, here you stand, alone and unable to recognize the landscape where you once found safety.  Everything has changed. The monster surfaced while you slept and succeeded with his plan to kill and destroy anything daring to step into his path.

This is your life. As you stand in horror and watch it begin to crumble you hear their shouts of betrayal.  “Adulterer, Slanderer, Unfit Mother, Drug Addict, Alcoholic!” Their chant rings through the streets as you stand in silence and disbelief.

While you were sleeping, sides were taken.  You never even stood a chance.  Defeat was determined the moment the monster spoke.

Standing alone, the cold trickle of betrayal makes its presence known. You part your lips to speak only to realize no one is listening. The hour of escape has passed.  Your moment of being heard, long gone.

But then, you hear a sound.  A faint whisper. You turn, searching for the object of its origin. But nothing. The words barely audible. You close your eyes and focus. You stand and wait.

The noise of the crowd is maddening. The chaos is crippling. If the noise would only stop if even for just a moment. And then, it happens. That voice, you hear it again.  It is as if you have been picked up and placed miles away from the crowd. The silence is beautiful as the melodic words fill the air.  Warmth invades your heart as you hear, “You are Mine. I have you!”

The voice is undeniable. You recognize the love, the peace as the words linger over you. You know the voice.  The familiar words offer hope to the anxious feelings of your heart as you realize, He is here!

The monster will not win.  Victory does not belong to those who seek evil. Yes, the monster will create chaos and leave a wake of destruction in his path, but he cannot destroy you. 

You my darling sister are a daughter of the King.  He holds you in His mighty hand and covers you with the feathers of His faithfulness and love.  The darkness that surrounds you is only temporary.  Yes it is dark and cold but it has a purpose.  God has a plan.  He is going to use you.  He is going to raise you up.  He is going to take every broken piece that the monster has destroyed and restore it. But not just restore it.  He is going to redeem your story and give you wings that will allow you to soar above the chaos and see His hand at work.

My darling sister, it will take time.  It will be difficult. This kind of transformation is never easy but the reward will be great.  You will witness the power of God work in a way that you never thought possible.  You might not witness the demise of your monster but you will be in the hands of the most High and you will experience His love, His grace and His faithfulness in  way that will change you forever.

Hold on tight my beloved sister. Your journey has just begun.  The road will be rocky and the storms will rage but when the sun appears, you will know, you have been rescued!

 

Who will back me up when evildoers come against me?
Who is willing to take my side against the wicked?
 If the Eternal had not come to my rescue,
my soul would have descended to the land where death silences every voice.
When I said, “My foot is slipping!”
Your unfailing love, O Eternal One, held me up.
When anxiety overtakes me and worries are many,
Your comfort lightens my soul.

But the Eternal has been my citadel;
my God, a sure safe haven.

Psalm 94:16-19, 22

 

 

 

Reflecting on the ruins….

Reflection…I often find myself reflecting as I drive. This past Tuesday was no exception.

I was driving, my daughter in the passenger seat, Glorious Ruins blaring on the radio, us singing at the top of our lungs, tears flowing as we worshiped together. It was amazing. It was therapeutic. But shouldn’t have been?

For the past few days, I’ve felt like I was floundering. Like I’d jumped too high out of that amazing stream of tranquil water that typically leaves me full of peace but this time, I’m left gasping for air.

I had become my own worst enemy as my thoughts and emotions took over leading me to believe I was doomed. I was going to fail. I was going to die.

I felt totally alone and in fact, I thought I was. I was without hope and with no one to rescue me. I really had myself believing that life as I knew it was over.  Certainty of my impending doom left me stranded and believing I would never make my way back into the flow of His peace and blessing.

And then these words grabbed my heart…(click to hear Glorious Ruins: Hillsong)

Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I’ll sing

Glorious Ruins: Hillsong

With those words, God once again began to breath life into my floundering, exhausted soul. Suddenly the fight, the feelings of wanting to give up, quickly subsided as He reminded me of the refuge found in Him. The safety and comfort that comes from resting in the peace of His mighty wings.

I have walked through fire before and His story of love and grace carried me through that fire but I had forgotten. I had lost sight of Him, of His truth.

Though daily, the enemy relentlessly tries to beat me down through an extensive list of avenues hoping I’ll forget God’s goodness while attempting to destroy my faith, leaving me to doubt the significant and unfailing love of my Daddy.  But each of those moments left doubting His love while questioning my worth are just wasted moments. He is always patiently waiting, wanting, longing for me to step into His glorious presence.

But in the end, He always brings the ruins back to life. And because of Him, I can hold my head high. Because of Him, each and every failure is lost because of that day when Jesus took His place upon the cross. And in that moment, that selfless sacrifice He made upon the cross is perfect example of the unconditional and amazing love of Jesus. And on those days, when I’ve waited too long to spend time with Him, He picks me up, wipes away the tears and He not only places me back in the streams of His mercy and grace but He breaths life back into my weary soul once again.

How enduring is God’s loyal love;

the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion.

Here they are, every morning, new!

Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the new day.

Lamentations 3:22-23

An open letter to the leaders who cast us aside

Originally published on Give Her Wings

This letter is for those in church leadership who cast us aside when we needed you the most.  For those in leadership who were duped by those who used you the way in which they used us. For those leaders whose spiritual abuse left us broken and doubting.

You see, you were fooled into believing whatever story they wanted to spin. A pawn in their disturbing game of  control and manipulation. Without a second thought, you listened to their stories, accepted every tear, and acknowledged their “I’m sorry” as genuine repentance.

You chose to distance yourself from reality, the darkness covering our home.  You avoided the opportunity to investigate further into the truth, to invest more deeply in the lives affected, but instead, chose the bliss of ignorance and the ease of assumption.  You were swayed by gossip and lies, and you ignored the warning of Scripture not to judge a matter without hearing all parties (Proverbs 18:13). You foolishly assigned blame apart from the facts.  Apart from knowledge.  Apart from relationship.

For some, as leaders, your pride stood in the way of pursuing the truth.  A need to protect your persona and the image of a building prohibited you from doing the difficult stuff.  From failing to investigate the truth from fiction or taking the necessary steps to defend those lost within such a dark situation, your lack of concern left us broken and crushed while doubting our faith.

For those leaders who dismissed us as being excessive in our sensitivity or reluctant to submit to the headship of our husband, this letter is for you.  For those who accused of us doing something that caused the abuse or by telling us we needed to have more sex with our spouse, this too is for you.  And for those who repeatedly told us, “Your spouse is not the enemy.  Do not allow the real enemy to destroy your family,” your words only served to aid the abuser in destroying us in even greater ways.

Understand, we were fully aware of the true enemy and to this day because of shared children, we still face our enemy on a daily basis.  You see, for us, our spouse was and remains the enemy.  He was a man being used by the true enemy to oppress, berate, demean and abuse.  Our spouse spoke the name of Jesus to those he needed to impress, but his actions, the actions we witnessed, confirmed otherwise.

For us, it took time to wrap our heads around the truth of our situation.  For us, all we could hear were your accusing words informing us we were the problem.  No matter how many prayers we prayed, questions we asked, counseling sessions we attended, we were not fighting hard enough or praying loud enough.  You left us burdened by the weight of our heartache and believing we were the cause.

As if the despair we felt for our decaying family was not enough, you heaped sorrow upon our suffering while drenching our open wounds with feelings of guilt and shame.  And then you handed our abuser the match leaving him to devour what was left of our broken spirits.

But God!  You see, He steps in when others walk away.  Truthfully, He never leaves, but instead, because of those thundering opinions around us, we often lose track of His voice.  However, rest assured, when He speaks, He calms the storm and reminds us exactly who is in charge and who wrote The Book.

He reminds us that abusers live in a consistent pattern of sin which according to scripture, means they are not a Christian.  Instead, a true Christian is one who struggles with sin, yet hates it and pursues forgiveness from God.  This is not the way of our abuser.  Numerous passages speak to this truth.  Here are a few.Psalm 50:16-22, John 13:34-35, Romans 8:3-9.

For those in leadership, the ones who have been given charge over the sheep, to each pastor and elder who walked hand in hand professing to the do the work of God, hear our voices as we beg of you, please educate yourself.

With that said, if you as leaders are striving to accomplish what God has called you to, please, do not demand that we return to our abuser.  As a shepherd, your job becomes that of protecting your sheep, especially the weak ones, which means not sending us back to the wolf.  And by all means, refrain from using Matthew 18 as a way to manipulate us into doing it your way.  More often than not, this passage lacks relevancy to our situation for the reason that our abuser is not a Christian.  See 1 John 3:6-10.

So it is not hard to figure out who are the children of God and who are the children of the diabolical one: those who lack right standing and those who don’t show love for one another do not belong to God.

1 John 3:10

As the Body of Christ, it should be your mission to protect those who have been harmed by abuse.  1 Corinthians 12 speaks of the Body of Christ saying that if one member of the body hurts, all members hurt.  The church should be a safe haven for victims and not a place of safe hiding for the evilness of the prowling wolf leaving the broken sheep to scatter.

As leadership you should understand the strategy of the wolf.  His gameplay of fake repentance.  The tears he will shed, the walks to the altar at the conclusion of a service for all to see.  He will play you. 

However, until you witness true repentance, repentance that involves claiming his actions instead of blaming his victim or minimizing his own actions, requesting genuine spiritual accountability, seeking out the service of a true professional in the psychiatric field, you should stay away.

Now understand, we as survivors realize God can change anyone.  That there are men who have repented and now walk with Jesus. Nevertheless, we need you to understand this, a man must be willing to submit to God and allow God to transform his heart.  A simple prayer asking for forgiveness through streaming tears, which we have witnessed thousands of times, does not confirm that change.

In conclusion, I leave you, the church leadership who cast us aside, with these words, be aware of the problem.  Understand the countless facets of domestic and spiritual abuse.  Do your research. Become educated.

And for the lives of the precious children involved, do not counsel couples where claims of abuse are made.  Instead, admit to your lack of training in this area and work with these couples in seeking out those qualified and trained to diagnose and counsel those in need of dealing with this growing problem found in our churches.

And to those who were cast aside, God is good.  He is faithful.  He will envelope us with His love and shower us with His grace.  Just trust His hand and allow His voice alone to lead.

With love,

Those who’ve been enveloped by His love

An open letter to those church leaders who cast us aside

This letter is for those in church leadership who cast us aside when we needed you the most.  For those in leadership who were duped by those who used you the way in which they used us. For those leaders whose spiritual abuse left us broken and doubting.  

You see, you were fooled into believing whatever story they wanted to spin. A pawn in their disturbing game of  control and manipulation. Without a second thought, you listened to their stories, accepted every tear, and acknowledged their “I’m sorry” as genuine repentance.

You chose to distance yourself from reality, the darkness covering our home.  You avoided the opportunity to investigate further into the truth, to invest more deeply in the lives affected, but instead, chose the bliss of ignorance and the ease of assumption.  You were swayed by gossip and lies, and you ignored the warning of Scripture not to judge a matter without hearing all parties (Proverbs 18:13). You foolishly assigned blame apart from the facts. Apart from knowledge.  Apart from relationship.

For some, as leaders, your pride stood in the way of pursuing the truth.  A need to protect your persona and the image of a building prohibited you from doing the difficult stuff.  From failing to investigate the truth from fiction or taking the necessary steps to defend those lost within such a dark situation, your lack of concern left us broken and crushed. 

For those leaders who dismissed us as being excessive in our sensitivity or reluctant to submit to the headship of our husband, this letter is for you.  For those who accused of us doing something that caused the abuse or by telling us we needed to have more sex with our spouse, this too is for you.  And for those who repeatedly told us, “Your spouse is not the enemy.  Do not allow the real enemy to destroy your family,” your words only served to aid the abuser in destroying us in even greater ways.

Understand, we were fully aware of the true enemy and to this day because of shared children, we still face our enemy on a daily basis.  You see, for us, our spouse was and remains the enemy.  He was a man being used by the true enemy to oppress, berate, demean and abuse.  Our spouse spoke the name of Jesus to those he needed to impress, but his actions, the actions we witnessed, confirmed otherwise.

For us, it took time to wrap our heads around the truth of our situation.  For us, all we could hear were your accusing words informing us we were the problem.  No matter how many prayers we prayed, questions we asked, counseling sessions we attended, we were not fighting hard enough or praying loud enough.  You left us burdened by the weight of our heartache and believing we were the cause.

As if the despair we felt for our decaying family was not enough, you heaped sorrow upon our suffering while drenching our open wounds with feelings of guilt and shame.  And then you handed our abuser the match leaving him to devour what was left of our broken spirits.

But God!  You see, He steps in when others walk away.  Truthfully, He never leaves, but instead, because of those thundering opinions around us, we often lose track of His voice.  However, rest assured, when He speaks, He calms the storm and reminds us exactly who is in charge and who wrote The Book.

He reminds us that abusers live in a consistent pattern of sin which according to scripture, means they are not a Christian.  Instead, a true Christian is one who struggles with sin, yet hates it and pursues forgiveness from God.  This is not the way of our abuser.  Numerous passages speak to this truth.  Here are a few. Psalm 50:16-22, John 13:34-35, Romans 8:3-9.

For those in leadership, the ones who have been given charge over the sheep, to each pastor and elder who walked hand in hand professing to the do the work of God, hear our voices as we beg of you, please educate yourself.

With that said, if you as leaders are striving to accomplish what God has called you to, please, do not demand that we return to our abuser.  As a shepherd, your job becomes that of protecting your sheep, especially the weak ones, which means not sending us back to the wolf.  And by all means, refrain from using Matthew 18 as a way to manipulate us into doing it your way.  More often than not, this passage lacks relevancy to our situation for the reason that our abuser is not a Christian.  See 1 John 3:6-10.

So it is not hard to figure out who are the children of God and who are the children of the diabolical one: those who lack right standing and those who don’t show love for one another do not belong to God.

1 John 3:10

As the Body of Christ, it should be your mission to protect those who have been harmed by abuse.  1 Corinthians 12 speaks of the Body of Christ saying that if one member of the body hurts, all members hurt.  The church should be a safe haven for victims and not a place of safe hiding for the evilness of the prowling wolf leaving the broken sheep to scatter.

As leadership you should understand the strategy of the wolf.  His gameplay of fake repentance.  The tears he will shed, the walks to the altar at the conclusion of a service for all to see.  He will play you.

However, until you witness true repentance, repentance that involves claiming his actions instead of blaming his victim or minimizing his own actions, requesting genuine spiritual accountability, seeking out the service of a true professional in the psychiatric field, you should stay away.

Now understand, we as survivors realize God can change anyone.  That there are men who have repented and now walk with Jesus. Nevertheless, we need you to understand this, a man must be willing to submit to God and allow God to transform his heart.  A simple prayer asking for forgiveness through streaming tears, which we have witnessed thousands of times, does not confirm that change.

In conclusion, I leave you, the church leadership who cast us aside, with these words, be aware of the problem.  Understand the countless facets of domestic and spiritual abuse.  Do your research. Become educated.

And for the lives of the precious children involved, do not counsel couples where claims of abuse are made.  Instead, admit to your lack of training in this area and work with these couples in seeking out those qualified and trained to diagnose and counsel those in need of dealing this growing problem found within our churches.

And to those who were cast aside, God is good.  He is faithful.  He will envelope us with his love and shower us with His grace.  Just trust His hand and allow His voice alone to lead.

With love,

Those who’ve been enveloped by His love

 

An open letter to the men we thought we knew

To the men we once knew,

This letter has been a long time coming.  So many times we have longed to put pen to paper, however thought better of it.

But the day has finally come.  Our hearts are no longer full of hatred and anger, but instead forgiveness and love. With that said, we begin by saying two simple words, thank you.

Never would we have ever thought a time would come when we would find it in our hearts to thank you for all the pain you caused.  Little did we believe we had the strength to trudge through the heartache of another day, however we survived and for that, we thank you.

We thank you for the extensive list of names you called us.  From racists, to unfit mamas, to lazy wives and adulterous women, a thank you must be uttered.  For every demeaning email, sent text and phone call you made to those in our life, we thank you.

For every person you had follow us, to the stalking and spying neighbors, we thank you.  For instilling fear, leaving us scared to leave our homes as we constantly peered over our shoulder, we again say thank you.

For breaking our spirits, leaving us no longer recognizable to those who truly knew and loved us, thank you. Each moment left questioning our sanity and what we knew to be true regarding ourselves, thank you.

For involving not only our friends, but family and church as you worked to alienate us, leaving us alone, abandoned and betrayed, we thank you.

For spending tens of thousands of dollars on expensive attorneys instead of financially providing for the children you claimed to love and promised to provide for, we thank you.  For caring more about winning a battle than being what our children needed and for teaching the difference between true character and integrity not just to us, but to our children, we thank you.

As you surrounded yourself with those we once called friends and family, leaving us to fight alone, you left us finally understanding the true meaning of love and friendship.  You helped us to realize what shallow and toxic relationships actually looked like as we finally recognized that a handful of friends are all we truly need.

You see, for what felt like forever, our hearts burned with rage and hatred so deep that the idea of extinguishing the flames appeared near impossible. You left our world feeling dark and lonely as we withdrew deep within ourselves to the point of losing our sense of self.  Instead, we became shells of women who were left feeling we had no purpose and were beyond being loved.  Thank you for breaking us to the point that left us feeling like we were nothing.

For all these things, we thank you.  We thank you as you have helped to confirm the old cliché, because truly what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger.  For making those verses in Genesis and Exodus come to life for us as we trusted God to fight our battle and reveal truth, we thank you.

Even though you intended to harm me, God intended it only for good, and through me, He preserved the lives of countless people, as He is still doing today.

Genesis 50:20

 The Eternal will fight on your behalf while you watch in silence.

Exodus 14:14

We have fought through a battle we were unprepared to fight, but we have come out princess warriors who are stronger than we ever thought possible.

You left us in a dark hole, frightened, cold and completely alone, longing and waiting to be rescued.  Weighed down by the heaviness of all we endured, we believed we would drown. However, someone swooped in to rescue us.  Because of Him, we experienced a love unlike any other as He picked up every broken piece you worked so meticulously to create and He not only put it all back together but turned it into an amazingly beautiful masterpiece of His love and grace.

He came in and redeemed, rescued and restored all those things within us you tore apart.  He worked within our hearts to remind us of our true identity as He whispered, with gentleness and affirmation that we belonged to Him.

Through it all, we have changed.  We are strong.  You have reawakened a passion that once burned deep within us and again, we thank you.  You brought back that nine year old little girl who once ran through the yard with her toy gun and badge, pretending to be Cagney or Lacey while fighting for truth and justice.

Everything has changed. We no longer perceive people, especially you, as “flesh to flesh and mess to mess” but instead “spirit to spirit.” We recognize that you are no different than us.  You too, just like us, flaws, sins and all, are loved by God. You too, just like us, deserve forgiveness and our prayers and so today, we let go of the hatred, not just for you but for all those who followed and supported you.  Today, we choose to love.

Unfortunately for you, we are no longer the person you tirelessly spent working to destroy, we are stronger.  We are fighters.  We are proof that God makes beauty out of ashes.

 We now love in a healthy way.  We don’t trust as we once did, but instead allow a select few within our walls.  We view the world from a totally new and different perspective, for you helped to open our eyes to true beauty, truth and loyalty and for each one of these things, we say thank you!

We truly wish the best for you and will never forget the path of discovery you led us down. For that path led us on a journey to discover who we truly are in Jesus. And for it all, we again say thank you.

With thanks, from the bottom of our hearts,

The women you thought you knew

Left only with a story…

People have stories to tell.  Real life experiences that have left hearts pierced and broken. Experiences which many wish could be left behind and never revisited, however, it isn’t that simple.

Abuse comes in various forms.  It knows no boundaries.  It can strike any home, at any moment, no matter social status, race or gender.

For women, if often involves their greatest treasure, their children.  These priceless treasures will turn women into a mighty warrior princess.  No battle too immense to fight when the lives of those treasured little ones are at stake.

However, for many, these women must fight alone.  They remain on the battlefield to fight the enormous giant before them with nothing but their story.  And there in turn lies the problem when dealing with the abusive giant; her story is not enough.

This world is incredibly unfair.  Things are often backwards and justice often, does not prevail.  For the most part, the wolves, the abusers, typically win.

The countless stories that could be shared remain untold.  Numerous children harmed due to a broken system which chooses to protect the “rights of a parent” instead of the welfare of a child. Money speaks loudly in the American court system and those who have it, more often than not, win.

Children are ripped from the arms of a loving mama who has walked away from abuse to protect them.  Women without the necessary means to financially fight against the wolf, watch as the very ones they fight to protect are handed over to the wolf and nothing can be done.  All they have to fight with are their words.

Can you understand the difficulty establishing abuse with only stories and words to share? No bruises.  No signs of a physical fight.  No pictures to prove the damage. Abuse is difficult to substantiate when there is nothing to see.

The scars of emotional, verbal and mental abuse cut deep into the soul.  They leave scars, which take years to heal. As a woman begins to describe her pain, forming the words are near impossible.  How do put into words the lies, manipulation, constant put-downs, the doubting, the gaslighting?  How does one explain with words what is taking place behind the closed doors of the home that cannot be seen with the eyes?

A woman walks into a courtroom assuming justice will come.  Praying that relief will arrive for her children.  A woman walks into a courtroom believing that this judge will witness the mask worn by the wolf.  Will he hear her pleas and protect her children?  Sadly and horrifically, it doesn’t happen.

The wolf can afford expensive attorneys.  The wolf holds the key to the finances.  He holds down the home.  This woman has cared for her home and family for years.  She attempts to create a safe home full of love, nevertheless at her own expense.  She stands unprepared for the battle both emotionally and financially.

A woman who has endured years of abuse cannot fight against a wolf.  The wolf has brainwashed her into believing she is not good enough.  Made her believe that everything happening is her fault.  She is definitely the cause of the abuse.  And the court system in this country works right alongside of the wolf. Equipping and enabling the continued abuse.

As I write, I hear of another story of a woman who left abuse only to have her children ripped away by another judge.  A wolf has accused her of being unfit, being an adulterous wife while being a drunk and has won.  A wolf will execute whatever plan necessary to disparage the character of the one in which he is losing control over and will stop at nothing until he has his way.  Even at the expense of his children.

Each day another family is torn apart by domestic violence. Children remain forced to live with the wolf where the abuse continues and another woman is left to pick up the broken pieces of her life from the malicious attack.  Countless scars left to heal.

There is much work to be accomplished.  People who need to be educated, especially within our court systems.  Awareness must come in order for change to happen.  Will you take the time to educate yourself?  Educate yourself so that when the day comes that you are faced with a friend or loved one asking for your help, you are prepared to answer the call.

Visit Giveherwings.com today to learn more about how you can help a mama fighting against abuse.

Love is patient; love is kind.  Love isn’t envious, doesn’t boast, brag, or strut about. There’s no arrogance in love; it’s never rude, crude, or indecent- it’s not self-absorbed.  Love isn’t easily upset. Love doesn’t tally wrongs or celebrate injustice; but truth-yes, truth-is love’s delight!  Love puts up with anything and everything that comes along; it trust, hopes and endures no matter what.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7