A New Identity, A Pair of Broken Wings and One Great Hope

Seven years ago, writing became a big part of my life.  I did not know the purpose or reason at the time but God did.  He was aware of my impending storm and prepared me for the road ahead.  

If you have never dealt with divorce, it is hard to understand the emotions involved and even harder to relate.  There is so much pain from feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, feelings of betrayal, fear and hurt that never seem to end.  For me, except for my parents and siblings as well a dear friend who lived two minutes from my home, I was alone. My church, my closest friends and my extended family abandoned me.  At a time when love and support were needed, I found none. It was not only lonely but scary.

After the trials and storms, He has given me a place and a purpose to be for others what I did not have. By sharing His love, His grace and His hope, I can help women who are not just suffering from the loss of their marriage but struggling to find their “new” identity.

Throughout the last few years I have encountered many women whose experiences were much like mine.  Recognizing their pain and being aware of how much it happens, leaves me with a great desire to offer encouragement to those hurting.  I want them to know they are not alone and they have a great HOPE.

Several months ago, I commented on a Facebook post of a friend. That same day I received a friend request from someone I did not know who had also left a comment.  Because we had several mutual friends I accepted and God began a work. Little did I know the way in which He was working, orchestrating a new journey for me.  

As I visited the profile of my new friend, I discovered that my beautiful new friend Megan and her husband are part of an incredible ministry, Give Her Wings.   While reading about this ministry, their mission and purpose left me overcome with gratitude. The mission:  Helping to give specific mothers who have left abusive situations a chance to get on their feet…to breathe…to heal their broken wings and fly free again.   Being one who understands and is passionate to serve those women who are left to start over, I wanted to help.  I wanted to do what they were doing but I was only one person. I didn’t even know how to start such an undertaking.

Time passed but the feelings grew stronger. It took time for me to recognize the nudging of the Holy Spirit to contact Megan.  I didn’t know what to say but began by sharing my story and desire to be a part of this amazing work God was doing through them. Much to my surprise my message was met with such encouragement.  God opened doors and made it clear that this ministry, Give Her Wings, was where He wanted me.  

Less than a month ago I received a special gift in the mail that touched my heart. Megan has written an amazing book also titled Give Her Wings.  This incredible book brought so much healing as the words spoke such truth and love as well as encouragement. It was filled with clarity, compassion and hope and helped to free me from the struggle of guilt I often experience. It is a great resource filled with practical advice for mamas searching for answers in what can be such a dark journey while giving excellent and much needed advice and wisdom to those walking alongside those dealing with abuse. It is a much needed resource for an area that is greatly lacking in many churches and one every pastor should read. To learn more about her book or to pick up a copy for yourself, click here.

So if you have made it this far into this post I have something for you to consider.  Right now as you are reading, someone’s name has probably come to mind. Someone in your life is dealing with a struggling marriage or with abuse.  With that said, I would like to ask something of you because there is something you can do.

First, you can pray. Whoever God has placed on your heart, say a prayer. You don’t need details because God knows. Realizing the struggle is more than enough.  It simply takes a minute to pray. Mamas and their babies (even the husbands) who are dealing with this battle need to be covered in prayer. These families need to be loved on and shown that they are not alone.  And we can intercede on their behalf by lifting them up in prayer.  

My second request is for you to visit the website Give Her Wings. The purpose of Give Her Wings is to raise gifts and money for mothers who have left abusive situations. Oftentimes, when a woman leaves an abusive marriage, she narrowly escapes with little more than her children and the clothes on her back. Give Her Wings desires to do all they can to help specific mothers who are living in very poor conditions presently.  Once there you can read more about the ministry as well blog posts and updates on mamas who have been helped. There is also a place to donate and support the ministry as well as nominate a mama you may know who needs help.  

There is so much hurting in our world.  So many people left without hope. People need to be reminded of our mighty God who loves and longs to walk alongside them through the darkest storms in life.  To know that we, the Church, are here to love and walk with them. We need to be the light. We need to be on mission.  We are called to care for those around us who are hurting and in need.

Help me take the first step in making a difference. Visit GiveHerWings.com and see what part you can play in making a difference in the lives of those who need our help to heal their broken wings and fly free again.  Thank you in advance for your help as we make a difference in a world that often can be dark.

Can I go anywhere apart from you Spirit?

Is there anywhere I can go to escape Your watchful presence?

If I go up into Heaven, You are there.

If I make my bed in the realm of the dead, You are there.

If I ride on the wings of morning,

if I make my home in the most isolated part of the ocean,

Even then You will be there to guide me;

Your right hand will embrace me, for You are always there.

Even if I am afraid and think to myself, “There is no doubt that the darkness will swallow me,

the light around me will soon be turned night,”

You can see in the dark, for it is not dark to Your eyes.

For You the night is just as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are the same to Your eyes.

Psalm 139:7-12

A Broken Angel, a Shattered Heart and a Beautiful Christmas Miracle

Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Living in a state of anxious thoughts that God can’t bless me.  I cannot be this happy.  I am divorced. My home is broken.  God is angry with me.  He doesn’t want me.

Because of a bad decision, a sin I committed at the age of 15, I lived many years dealing with the consequences.  I also lived believing God was angry with me and had no true purpose for my life.  I lived my life wanting to serve Him and did so in hopes of gaining His approval. Wanting His love. But never feeling worthy.  I felt my life could not be used because of my sins.  My past haunted me daily.

Almost six years ago I embarked on a journey down a very dark path that drew me closer to Jesus.  As I was cast out by a church and turned away by friends and family, I learned what following Jesus truly meant.  I learned how to listen to His voice and follow His leading.  For the first time, I embraced His love and understood and accepted His grace.

When you make a choice to go against the beliefs and advice of others and hold fast to what you know to be true, you expose yourself to great challenges.  Defying another, especially a pastor, leaves you vulnerable to enormous ridicule and loneliness.  When you make a choice to follow the Holy Spirit as He leads, you don’t always win the favor of those around you.  

That was me.  I had spent hours and hours upon my knees in prayer.  Praying for so many things.  Looking for answers.  Looking for change.  When the Spirit began moving in my life and I stood up against those who attempted to manipulate me into following their voice, I faced severe consequences.  But those consequences changed my life forever and grew my faith in ways I never thought possible.

I was left totally on my own.  My church, my friends and certain family abandoned me.  They cast me aside.  At the time, it was devastating.  It was heartbreaking. But now it has become one of the greatest blessings and lessons in my life.

God taught me to trust Him in all things.  Even when it seemed all hope was lost and I felt like I was sinking, He was there.

When you are dealing with storms, often through the darkness, God parts the clouds and gives you a beautiful glimpse of His love.  In dark moments He reveals to you those things or people in your life you need to separate yourself from but also those you need to pull closer.  He provides when all hope feels lost and emptiness is overwhelming. I experienced those moments. They became precious and intimate gifts from my Heavenly Daddy as He made His presence known in my life.

When the gossip spread that I was running from God, having an affair, and had walked away from my faith, He intervened and revealed Himself in mighty ways.  From simple messages from those who loved me to finding bags of groceries at my front door, His presence was undeniable.  From each verbal attack from those who questioned my character and made me doubt myself, God spoke into my heart and reminded me I was His and He had great plans for me. Though others walked away, His presence never left me.  His arms were always there to hold me up as He embraced me with His love.

The past couple of years have amazed.   God has blessed and provided for my children and me in more ways than I can write in one post.  But this Christmas He sent me a precious reminder. Many months ago, my daughter broke something of mine that was very special to me.  It was something from my earlier life that held a significant place in my heart. It had served as a reminder of God’s faithfulness through my trials and storms.  The day it broke, my heart shattered.  But God.

On December 1, 2012 God gave me the most wonderful blessing I had in many years.  He gave me my husband. Some know our story, others have formulated their own version but to summarize, we were two broken people, God redeemed and gave to one another.  My husband is my dream come true.  This Christmas God used him to remind me of His restoring love.

Unbeknownst to me, but not my boys, my husband had collected the pieces of my broken angel and was determined to repair the damage. He spent months gluing back the many broken pieces. Each time I left the house (which was rare) he would pull out those pieces working to repair what I had lost.  Behind the scenes he worked to restore the brokenness.

On Christmas morning, as I pulled the angel out of the bright red bag, overwhelming joy flooded my heart.  As I took it all in my mind immediately went to the love of my Heavenly Daddy.  For years my shattered heart laid a broken mess.  Broken and unraveled, I needed fixing.  

But God.  He scooped up all my broken pieces and one by one began putting them back together.  It took time allowing for the “glue” to dry. It took great precision as each piece now fit a little differently. And some were no longer needed. Things didn’t go back the way they had once been but instead fit together in a new and more beautiful way.

He took the entire broken and shattered mess I had become and turned it into a masterpiece that became a display of His restoring love and grace.  A magnificent portrait of His faithfulness.  Just as my husband restored my angel.

My husband is a beautiful reflection and reminder of God’s love and faithfulness.  His love is something I have never experienced.  Each day because of his love for me, I get a taste of how my Heavenly Daddy loves me.  So complete and selfless.

I look at my life and see what others do not.  Many feel pity for my children and sadness for what we’ve endured. Heavy hearted because they come from a broken home.  But God has shown me something different.  Each time my children smile and laugh, I am reminded that God restored our broken home.  He put together all the broken pieces of our lives and gave us something beautiful.  A home full of love.  A home where He is welcome. He took our shattered broken mess and turned it into an extravagant tapestry of His love and grace.

How enduring is God’s loyal love;

the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion.

Here they are, every morning new!

Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the day.

Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need.

My soul boasts, “Hope in God; just wait.”

It is good,  The Eternal One is good to those who expect Him,

to those who seek Him wholeheartedly.

It is good to wait quietly

for the Eternal to make things right again.

Lamentations 3:22-26

 

Originally posted on For Always

A Broken Angel, A Shattered Heart and One Extravagant Christmas Miracle

 Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Living in a state of anxious thoughts that God can’t bless me.  I cannot be this happy.  I am divorced. My home is broken.  God is angry with me.  He doesn’t want me.

Because of a bad decision, a sin I committed at the age of 15, I lived many years dealing with the consequences.  I also lived believing God was angry with me and had no true purpose for my life.  I lived my life wanting to serve Him and did so in hopes of gaining His approval. Wanting His love. But never feeling worthy.  I felt my life could not be used because of my sins.  My past haunted me daily.  

Almost six years ago I embarked on a journey down a very dark path that drew me closer to Jesus.  As I was cast out by a church and turned away by friends and family, I learned what following Jesus truly meant.  I learned how to listen to His voice and follow His leading.  For the first time, I embraced His love and understood and accepted His grace.  

When you make a choice to go against the beliefs and advice of others and hold fast to what you know to be true, you expose yourself to great challenges.  Defying another, especially a pastor, leaves you vulnerable to enormous ridicule and loneliness.  When you make a choice to follow the Holy Spirit as He leads, you don’t always win the favor of those around you.  

That was me.  I had spent hours and hours upon my knees in prayer.  Praying for so many things.  Looking for answers.  Looking for change.  When the Spirit began moving in my life and I stood up against those who attempted to manipulate me into following their voice, I faced severe consequence.  But those consequences changed my life forever and grew my faith in ways I never thought possible.

I was left totally on my own.  My church, my friends and certain family abandoned me.  They cast me aside.  At the time, it was devastating.  It was heartbreaking. But now it has become one of the greatest blessings and lessons in my life.  

God taught me to trust Him in all things.  Even when it seemed all hope was lost and I felt like I was sinking, He was there.

When you are dealing with storms, often through the darkness, God parts the clouds and gives you a beautiful glimpse of His love.  In dark moments He reveals to you those things or people in your life you need to separate yourself from but also those you need to pull closer.  He provides when all hope feels lost and emptiness is overwhelming. I experienced those moments. They became precious and intimate gifts from my Heavenly Daddy as He made His presence known in my life.  

When the gossip spread that I was running from God, having an affair, and had walked away from my faith, He intervened and revealed Himself in mighty ways.  From simple messages from those who loved me to finding bags of groceries at my front door, His presence was undeniable.  From each verbal attack from those who questioned my character and made me doubt myself, God spoke into my heart and reminded me I was His and He had great plans for me. Though others walked away, His presence never left me.  His arms were always there to hold me up as He embraced me with His love.

The past couple of years have been amazing.   God has blessed and provided for my children and me in more ways than I can write in one post.  But this Christmas He sent me a precious reminder. Many months ago, my daughter broke something of mine that was very special to me.  It was something from my previous life that held a significant place in my heart. It had served as a reminder of God’s faithfulness through my trials and storms.  The day it broke, my heart shattered.  But God.  

On December 1, 2012 God gave me the most wonderful blessing I had had in many years.  He gave me my husband. Some know our story, others have formulated their own version but to summarize, we were two broken people, God redeemed and gave to one another.  My husband is my dream come true.  This Christmas God used him to remind me of His restoring love.  

Unbeknownst to me, but not my boys, my husband had collected the pieces of my broken angel and was determined to repair the damage. He spent months gluing back the many broken pieces. Each time I left the house (which was rare) he would pull out those pieces working to repair what I had lost.  Behind the scenes he worked to restore the brokenness.  

On Christmas morning, as I pulled the angel out of the bright red bag, overwhelming joy flooded my heart.  As I took it all in my mind immediately went to the love of my Heavenly Daddy.  For years my shattered heart laid a broken mess.  Broken and unraveled, I needed fixing.  

But God.  He scooped up all my broken pieces and one by one began putting them back together.  It took time allowing for the “glue” to dry. It took great precision as each piece now fit a little differently. And some were no longer needed. Things didn’t go back the way they had once been but instead fit together in a new and more beautiful way.  

He took the entire broken and shattered mess I had become and turned it into a masterpiece that became a display of His restoring love and grace.  A magnificent portrait of His faithfulness.  Just as my husband restored my angel.

My husband is a beautiful reflection and reminder of God’s love and faithfulness.  His love is something I have never experienced.  Each day because of his love for me, I get a taste of how my Heavenly Daddy loves me.  So complete and selfless.

I look at my life and see what others do not.  Many feel pity for my children and sadness for what we’ve endured. Heavy hearted because they come from a broken home.  But God has shown me something different.  Each time my children smile and laugh, I am reminded that God restored our broken home.  He put together all the broken pieces of our lives and gave us something beautiful.  A home full of love.  A home where He is welcome. He took our shattered broken mess and turned it into a extravagant tapestry of His love and grace.

How enduring is God’s loyal love;

the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion.

Here they are, every morning new!

Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the day.

Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need.

My soul boasts, “Hope in God; just wait.”

It is good,  The Eternal One is good to those who expect Him,

to those who seek Him wholeheartedly.

It is good to wait quietly

for the Eternal to make things right again.

Lamentations 3:22-26

From point A to point B: The tightrope effect

“God’s will is not like a tightrope.”  Those words said by my pastor caught my attention.  No they grabbed my attention.  My eyes and ears focused on him.  The words that followed drew me in and met me right where I needed.

 

Trying to decipher God’s will has left me confused more times than not.  Bringing God glory is my purpose but is there a plan as well?  A road map I am to follow?  Specific things He wants me to do?  A way in which He wants to use me?  If so, I have screwed it up.   I want nothing more than to bring Him glory.  I crave it with the entirety of my being.  But sometimes, for the life of me, I cannot figure out what it entails.

 

Looking back over the last five years I have confidence God is going to use my battles for something.  Visions.  I have visions of things to come.  I know that may sound weird or freaky to those who are reading this but I have them. God gives me these small glimpse of something He has for me.  Just enough to keep me focused on the road ahead.  I am restless.  I know He has something out there for me and I am ready to move ahead and do whatever, and I mean WHATEVER, He wants me to do.  But what?  I ask.  I pray.  I continue to wait.

 

I know waiting.  I have experienced waiting over the last five years.  I know what it means to want something so much you can taste it but having to wait until the perfect moment for it to be yours. That moment when you’re ready to receive it and He places it in your hands. The moment the waiting ends. I’ve been there. So waiting, I get.

 

Back to God’s will.  Tears flood my eyes as I envision the tight rope.  As I heard those words spoken a humongous weight fell off my shoulders.  There are days when I realize that I am still held prisoner by the chains of legalism.  Too many years spent chained to a religion has made it hard to grasp parts of the Bible. It has made it difficult to understand God.  For me, divorce has left me struggling to walk the tightrope of God’s will and feeling defeated every day.  So the realization that God’s will consists of more than walking “from point A to point B” is overwhelming.  My pastor said God’s will is like a freeway.  There are different lanes, choices along the way. Good and bad choices.  Yes poor choices lead us in the wrong direction but they do not negate us from being in God’s will altogether. Do you understand how freeing that is?

 

Romans 11:36 says, “For all that exists originates in Him, comes through Him, and is moving toward HIm; so give Him the glory forever. Amen.”  What do I take away from that verse?  I am God’s creation.  He created me for His glory.  My purpose in this life is to bring Him glory through the life I live.  To me, it means that in every choice I make, I need to seek after Him.  Follow HIm. When I have a choice to make, I turn to Him and choosing to follow Him in obedience brings Him glory.  Yes I will fall.  Yes I will make wrong turns.  But He will redirect my steps when I seek and ask for direction.  Was God’s plan for me to end up divorced?  NO.  I am fully aware God’s hand was not in my divorce. However God’s hand was on me as I trudged through the battle and trusted Him throughout everything I experienced.  He was there.  He is still here.  It was through those battles that I recognized His voice for the first time.  Experienced His presence.  It was in the loneliness of being cast aside by friends and family that I found Him.  Though my marriage was ending, my relationship with Jesus did not.  Instead it became more real.  More intimate.  I craved Him because I was desperate to hear His voice and sense His presence and He made Himself known.  Something else my pastor said that I love, “You will never accidentally hear God’s voice.”  That is so true.  In the midst of pain and the darkness of battle, His presence is not an accident.  It is in those moments you are searching for Him.  Searching through scripture, through music looking for Him to give you wisdom and direction and that is when it happens.   It is when you are in the trenches of a fierce battle and become so desperate for His help that you recognize His voice above the noise.You realize that you cannot take another step on your own and you call out to Him and He answers. You fall into His arms.  And you know what?  He catches you.  He catches and grabs a hold of you.  You finally recognize His voice and experience His peace.  The noise of the world falls away and you hear Him call your name.  And you know He has you.  He has your situation and is there.  Everything changes.

 

Freedom in Christ is something I am experiencing and understanding more and more each day I follow Him.  His grace is enormous. It is more than I can comprehend.  But so is His will for my life.  His plan.  He has given me this life.  He allows me new breath every day. With it,  I am to live a life that aligns with His character which brings Him glory.  My mind is blown.  I am overwhelmed with the idea that my entire life is not ruined (For God’s purpose)  by one wrong turn

 

So now God I am ready.  I have been restless for so long.  But now  I understand. SO many feelings of unworthiness from not walking the tightrope perfectly.  Thinking I had to DO something to get back into your good graces. So misled by the enemy.  Distracted by so much untruth.  But I get it.  I asked and you answered. Oh how  I crave You.  I crave to live my life for You.  Here I am.  I am ready.  Tell me where to go.

You may be reading this and wondering what in the world?  Where is she going with this post?  If you are, this post isn’t for you.  This post is for those who have been where I have been.  This is for those who have made those wrong turns and been left to feel that God no longer has a place or purpose for you in His plan.  His will is not a tightrope.  He can take those wrong turns, those falls, those horrible choices and restore what has been broken.  Your messed up story is His opportunity to make you shine as His grace covers your broken pieces.  Just ask.

Fight, fear and faith: The journey to find true faith.

My story, taking days to tell,  includes a horrific divorce, being cast aside and rejected by a church and an excruciating custody battle.  The journey I walked sent me on a discovery leading me to dig deep into my faith.  It was a roller coaster of events in which Jesus got a hold of me and changed me from the inside out. He took a broken hearted, faith doubting girl and totally transformed her.  I have become desperate for Him and it has changed my world and who I am in every way.

The part of my story I would like to share started back in 2008 when I prayed a prayer that led me on a journey I was unprepared for. It began when I was reading the story of Abraham and Isaac.  I was overwhelmed by the enormous faith of Abraham when asked by God to sacrifice his only son.  I remember that morning very clearly.  I wanted to trust God for all things.  I wanted to know Him the way in which Abraham knew Him.  I yearned for that kind of faith.  In fact, this was the prayer in my journal that day,

“Father, help me to relinquish the hold I have over my own life, the lives of my children and the things that I do. Let me not doubt when you speak or move in my life.  Make me Your servant, righteous and faithful, ready to say “Here I am” when You call.”

Never would I have imagined the course my life would take over the next four years. In 2009, the battle began.  The nastiness of divorce entered my life, but that situation alone was only the beginning. Divorce is nasty and ugly, but not as ugly as the custody battle that ensued. It was a battle full of fear and devastation. But God had a purpose and a plan for it all and because I trusted His word completely I was able to tread water without drowning.

In January of 2011, my pastor preached a sermon that changed the course of the path I was traveling. In his sermon, he used the verse “Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.”  (Romans 12:17) My heart was heavy.  As I sat listening, God was tugging and asking me to trust Him.  After several years of lawyers and multiple court appearances, I knew it had to end and I had to walk away.  God was leading me to depend solely on Him and nothing else.   As I read and reread Romans 12:17 I could not ignore the words, “do not repay evil for evil” but even more so the words that followed; “Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.”  There is NOTHING honorable in the throes of a custody battle.  Nothing.  It is one parent doing everything in their power to destroy the other parent.  No attorney if doing their job correctly can help you win without you doing something that is not honorable.  I could not escape that truth.  I had prayed a prayer in 2008 for a faith like Abraham and God was now asking me to trust Him completely to fight on my behalf.  This was a scary step to take and those around me did not understand my choice but I knew God was a big God. I knew He loved me.  I knew that He not only cared about me, but even more so for my innocent children.  I knew I had to trust Him.

I was scared.  I was so very afraid.  These were my children.  There was no one standing by me with the ability to communicate physically or verbally with another attorney.  The opposing side had no concern for the well-being of my children.  For this attorney it was the sheer thrill of victory.  The day we entered the courtroom was terrifying.  I walked in with only my mom and a young girl who had spent years babysitting my children.   It was the three of us against at least a dozen people.  As I walked in and sat down at the table a Bible sat before me.   I opened the Bible to Exodus and found chapter 14 verse 14. “The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”  I claimed it.  It was mine.  I just needed to be still.  For the next few hours I sat and listened as each person placed their hand upon the Bible swearing to tell the truth but chose to lie.  I remember thinking this is not honorable.  I will not repay evil for evil.  God will handle it.  Those are two days of my life I will never forget.  They were scary, but at the same time, I felt the presence of God in such a way that to this day, I shake in awe of His incredible faithfulness.  I never felt alone.  It was as if He was sitting next to me throughout the entire process.  I left not thinking I had won the battle but instead knowing I had glorified my God and He was pleased.

The next month my world was shattered. On October 31, 2011, I received the document that stated that my children were no longer mine.  In a matter of seconds, the time it took to open a document, my world ended.   I remember the phone calls with my mom and now husband as they both sat in disbelief at what was happening.  It did not make sense. None of it made sense. That same evening I also remember the different people God placed in my path and around me to love and minister to both my children and me.  He continually made Himself known.  He was there.  He was in control.

So remember the prayer I prayed in 2008?  Surprisingly enough, it was the furthest thing from my mind.  I was not thinking in that direction.  Instead, I was on my tiptoes searching for any sight of God I could find.  Then the moment came.  I received a phone call in which I was told a family member had stated that “she had to have done something wrong in order for a judge to take away her children” and it began. The crushing wave of hurt and rejection was the motivation I needed in that moment.  I no longer had to stand on my tiptoes looking for God because He walked into the room and revealed Himself in the most majestic way.  Suddenly my prayer from 2008 resurfaced .  I had asked for this moment.  I had prayed for this moment.  I wanted the faith of Abraham and God was going to answer my prayer.  One of the hardest things a mother can endure is being separated from her children and that is what had to happen.  I came to realize throughout the course of my divorce and custody battle I had trusted God for many things.  I had relied on Him and listened to Him but still held back a piece of myself.  Part of my heart was His but the rest belonged to my children.  The fear of losing my children kept Christ from sitting completely on the throne of my life.  My children had become my idol.  Much like Isaac had become for Abraham when God asked Him to sacrifice his only son.  God was in control.  He knew my prayer and He knew my heart.  God knew what I needed.  I needed Him.  I was desperate for Him.  I had been holding back, but the time had come to turn it all over.  He had to take my children. Peace came to rest in my heart.

In 2012, things in my life began to take a turn. On a Sunday in January, I felt God clearly calling me to become part of a church plant. There was a moment of hesitation and doubt, but I knew I had to follow.  A couple weeks later, God placed an incredible young couple in my life who were also part of this church plant.  The husband was a young attorney who had just passed the bar and after sharing some of my story he took on my case pro-bono.  This was the second time God sent someone to be a physical reminder that He was there and fighting for me.  Now I am sure you are wondering why the attorney now?  This situation was different.  This attorney followed Jesus.  He sought direction through prayer from a God who controls all things.  For him, it was not about winning.  We were fighting for the safety and welfare of my children.  This attorney became my “guardian” and my brother.  His purpose was to deflect the evil that came my way, to pray with me and to help strengthen me in weak moments with the truth of God’s word.

Throughout our times in court, my case was never heard.  It was continued repeatedly as behind the scenes, God worked out the details.  As He continued to shape my character, heal my heart and grow my faith I became stronger.  Wonderful things started happening in my life.  In August of 2012, my now husband proposed to me on the beach in South Carolina.  It was magical! The tide began shifting.  Less than four months later, we were married in the sweetest of ceremonies.  On that same day, as we celebrated our marriage with family, I learned that I would be an aunt for the first time.  By Christmas, I was greeted with the exciting news that I would be an Aunt of twins.  But the greatest of all events occurred less than two months later, when my children were back home…for good.

You see sometimes in the darkness of our storm we cannot see God or feel His presence. His plan is unclear.  We doubt and worry with fear forgetting He has everything under control.  His plan is perfect.  I never thought the pain would end.   But it did.  God allowed the wounds that cut so deep into my heart to break me into a million pieces.  His purpose;  for me to become so desperate for Him that He alone could make me whole and heal my every hurt. And He did.  He took all the broken pieces and turned them into an amazing tapestry of His love and grace.   It is amazing. But not only did He heal me, He restored to me not just the things that had been taken through the pain but He gave me back even more.  More love, more grace, more knowledge and understanding of who He is, a longing to be more like Him and a desire to share more of Him with others.

I now have a life I would have never dreamed possible.  It is not perfect, but it is a life full of blessings.  My life is full.  It only took thirty-eight years and a lot of heartache, but God has now given me more than I could have ever asked.  I am a living example that no matter how many wrong turns your life may take, there is a “happy ending.”  All you have to do is choose to surrender your broken pieces, your life, to the only One who can turn it into a beautiful masterpiece of His amazing grace for His glory!

 

 

Redemption

“As I settled myself down into the deep cushions of the soft couch, the room felt stuffy and smelled of a floral scent.  It felt safe enough for the time being.  I was there to listen, there to share, there to receive counsel and hopefully there to find healing.  As I heard his voice chills ran down my spine as he replayed his version of the story out loud.  I trembled as I replayed the hurt.  I did not even know this person anymore.  Many things I had once believed had been removed as the realization set in that the many years of my life had been nothing more than mountains of lies.  Wrapping my head around a story that made no sense quickly left me feeling confused and uncertain of my surroundings.  I wanted to jump up from the comfort of the couch that seemed to engulf me and run to the door but then a voice from across the room grabbed my attention and brought me back into the moment.  The voice wanted to know my thoughts,  I tried to speak but I could not breathe.  I did not realize the amount of my tears until I had to make my mouth form words.  What words were there left to say anyway?  It just did not seem to matter anymore because truthfully I no longer knew what was real and what was a lie.  Then I heard the man across the room speak.  His eyes locked on the person at the other end of the couch as he said, “you have completely broken her spirit.  You have crushed and destroyed her.”  Those words pierced into my heart like a dagger.  I knew they were true but I had tried so hard to be strong.  I did not want to be broken and most definitely did not want to be crushed.  How could I allow someone to do that to me?  How did it get this far out of control.  Where was God?  Why was He not there to protect my heart?  It needed protecting.  Then that voice from across the room spoke again.  As I looked up his eyes were locked on mine as he said,  “though you are broken now, you will be ok.  No matter what happens next, you will be ok.”  What?  My thoughts poured out like a faucet running full stream.  I had no clue what he was talking about because nothing in my life felt ok and I was confident nothing ever would again.”

It brings a smile to my heart as I look at all that God has blessed my life with over the last two years.  He has been so good to me.  So often Joel 2:25 will play through my mind. “I will compensate you for the years the locusts have eaten.”  Such a remarkable reminder that God restores to us what we have lost through the valleys, the struggles, the chastising.  

Over the past couple of months I have been participating in a study on the book of Hosea.  As my pastor’s wife has led us through this remarkable journey of God’s redeeming love I have been impacted greatly by its truth and relevance in my own life.  I have witnessed and experienced the unmistakable beauty and amazement  of the redeeming love of God and I am constantly overwhelmed by it.  I once was broken and crushed too but not any longer.

So far one of the most significant teachings through this study came from the week we studied Hosea 5:1-6:3.  My pastor’s wife shared Deuteronomy 32:39 with us which says,

“Look now; I myself am He! There is no other god but Me! I am the one who kills and gives life; I am the one who wounds and heals; no one can be rescued from my powerful hand!”

What a powerful verse.  Especially the words, “I am the one who wounds and heals.”  She explained that the Hebrew word for wound means to crush, smash, shatter or wound severely while the Hebrew word for heal means to make whole, to repair thoroughly.  She summed it up by saying that God wanted to wound in order to heal.  Wow! That is a lot in a few short words.  Because you were not there to hear the entire teaching let me explain that we are discussing Israel’s defiance of God.  They have turned their back on Him and chosen to go their own way, do their own thing.  It is such a relatable topic because every believer struggles with taking control of their life and wanting to do their own thing.  Or at least I know I do.  With that said, God allows us to take the road we choose, often the wrong road leaving us to suffer the consequences.  When we choose that road, we find ourselves in deep water oftentimes drowning from the weight of our bad choices (sometimes because of the bad choices of others) and are severely wounded.  God allows us to take those roads, face those consequences, enduring the discipline so that we can be made whole and find true healing in Him.  He allows us to suffer so that we will find our way back to Him.  Is that not remarkable?  We can turn away, choose other things and yet He will go out of His way to grab our attention, confront us and draw us back into His arms!  I am overwhelmed by His goodness yet again!

As we ended that lesson, my pastor’s wife said something that resonated so deeply within me because of the incredible truth.  She said, “Eventually the pain gives way to rain that refreshes and makes fruitful.”  That is me.  I never thought the pain would end.  I did not believe I would ever be “ok” again.  The pain felt never ending.  But it did.  God allowed the wounds that cut so deep into my heart to break me into a million pieces in order for me to become so desperate for Him that I had to depend solely on Him to heal me completely.  And He did.  And not only did He heal me but He restored to me not just everything that had been taken through the pain but He gave me back even more.  More love, more grace, more knowledge and understanding of who He is, a longing to be more like Him and more of Him to share with others.

Scripture tells us that God does not waste our pain because He wants us to share our journey with others so that others may discover His healing and redeeming love as well. As I have found healing it has become my greatest joy to share what He has done for me so that others will know His redeeming love!

“He (God) comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”

2 Corinthians 1:4

  

Scandal

I wore the scarlet letter “D” around my neck for several years.  Divorce. It was not a word I ever expected to find attached to my name. In fact, had you asked me in my younger years if I believed I would ever wear the title of divorcee you would have received a loud resounding no.  I would never be one of “those” people. That would have honestly been my answer.  Truly.  Well look at me now.

After sixteen years of marriage and five beautiful children, I found myself at the end of my marriage.  I found myself a single mom of five with no job.  After fifteen years of being a devoted stay at home mom, I had to figure out how to provide for six people on my own.  My identity as wife had been stripped away and was now a thing of my past.  The scarlet letter “D” hung so large and disgusting around my neck that is began to define me. With each marital status box check marked divorced, I sank lower and lower into a lesser version of myself. I began to lose even more of myself than I already had in many years of an unhealthy marriage. When I was young, I wanted so badly to “get it right.”  I was determined to do all the things God wanted me to do and to go all the great places He wanted me to go.  I had great plans for the plans God had for my life. That was the problem.  They were my great plans and somewhere along the way, it all went wrong.

Finding oneself within a community of Christians is incredibly difficult after divorce.  To find healing and restoration within a church can be even more difficult.  Throughout the process of my divorce I went to church.  I wanted comfort and direction. I needed guidance. But what happened was more times than I can count I left feeling discouraged and hurt from simple comments about “divorced people.”  The feelings of inadequacy grew into a pile that covered me with such weight that I could not breath at times.  As I would slowly attempt to dig my way out of the rubble and just begin to see some light someone else was there to add more weight to my pile, reminding me that divorce was a sin and that it disqualified me from God’s blessing.  The cycle continued. The digging, climbing and clearing of the horror and humiliation by those well meaning Christians in my life. A never ending cycle of pain.

It took a great work of God to get me through it all.  It took enormous amounts of time emerged in His book searching for His answers and not the opinions of others.  You see I had to come to the realization that we all have regrets.  We all deal with shame and guilt.  We all have sinned. We all continuously sin. It is an ongoing act for everyone.

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.  

Romans 3:23

Because of our sin, we all deserve death.  No one person is better than another.  

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 6:23

Suddenly it was like a light bulb went off in my head as I began to truly grasp that no one was sinless.  That was huge for me because somewhere in my mind I had created a lie that said there were those who walked the earth that did not sin.  What a lie I found myself believing. It left me feeling like I would never be good enough.  Then I discovered a “But God.”

But God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.  Romans 5:8

Let me tell you the significance of But God, in my life.  I want to share it with you because it is huge and it is freeing.  You see on my own I cannot live this life perfectly.  Nothing I do on my own will succeed if I do not allow God room to work.  This would be where But God comes in and changes everything. Example: I may feel that I have ruined my life because I am divorced but God showed His great love for me by sending Christ to die for me while I was still a sinner. (Romans 5:8) You see when we see a But God in scripture it signals a change or a clarification in what follows next. It signals a change in our life or a chance to challenge and grow our faith.  When God enters the picture of our lives,  He makes all the difference in the world because He changes everything and His mercy makes it new. It begins to change your perspective on things. That’s what happened to me. I realized that nothing I could do nor anyone else would ever be good enough to gain God’s approval, His love or His grace.  We are all nothing but disgusting sinners who need saving. But God gave us Jesus and it is by the blood of Jesus that God’s see me as righteous and no longer disgusting. So now  I shut out the world and I listen to what God has to say about me.

I am a child of God

But to all who believed Him and accepted Him, He gave the right to become the children of God.

John 1:12

I am chosen, holy and blameless before God

Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in His eyes.

Ephesians 1:4

I am righteous and holy

Put on your new nature, created to be like God-truly righteous and holy.

Ephesians 4:24

I am redeemed and forgiven by the grace of Jesus Christ

He is so rich in kindness and grace that He purchased our freedom with the blood of His Son and forgave our sins.

Ephesians 1:7

My past happened.  It is done. I cannot change what has happened.  I cannot go back and make things different.  I could choose to continue to beat myself up and carry the burden of my past forever but that would just be stupid.  That would be like living in a prison forever.  When it all comes down to it, we all have a past, we all have sin and we all deserve death BUT GOD gave us Jesus.  Thank God and His amazing grace that because of the work Jesus did on the cross, He remembers our sin no more!  He has taken it and thrown it as far as the east is from the west.  He has redeemed the messes and restored the broken.  He has freed me from my past and He has freed you from your past too.  

He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

Psalm 103:12

But the Lord will redeem those who serve Him.  No one who takes refuge in Him will be condemned.

Psalm 34:22

So Christ has truly set us free.  Now make sure you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.

Galatians 5:1

There are days when the past creeps in and I find myself suffering with feelings of guilt and shame. Satan wants nothing more than for us to suffer with those feelings.  He wants us to be so paralyzed by our past regrets and choices that we cannot move forward because his mission is to steal, kill and destroy the abundant life that Jesus came to give us.  (John 10:10)  We have to remember that we are free! We cannot enjoy the life God has for us if we allow ourselves to wallow in guilt and shame.  So we must combat those lies of Satan with the Truth of God’s word.

Jesus said to the people who believed in Him, “you are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings.  And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31-32

That is it!  The truth sets us free!  The past has happened but I will make the choice not to allow it to impact my future.  The choice is up to us. We can choose to either wear those chains of guilt and shame or throw them off and allow God to redeem our past and use it for His glory!!

My scarlet is letter is a “D,” but perhaps you have a different letter hanging around your neck. Truth be told I have many scarlet letters that I could wear. So do you.  Maybe it is an “A” for adultery or addiction.  Maybe it is a “G” for gossip or greed.  Maybe it is a “P” for pornography or pride.  An “I” for insecurity or “J” for judgmental attitude.

Regardless of your sin, regardless of the guilt, God is your only true answer and real source of freedom.

I am divorced but I am no longer defined by my scarlet letter of shame.  Instead, I choose to see myself as whole, forgiven and loved.  I choose to wear the title of Child of the One true King!  I choose to be free!

Grace Deficient

So imagine being told that someone has no desire to meet your spouse. Because of preconceived notions and judgements formulated in their own mind, they do not want to meet one of the most important people in your life. The one person in your life who has taught and demonstrated God’s love to you more than anyone else and they don’t want to know them. That was the dilemma I was facing. That was my heartache. But God quickly turned that dilemma into a great lesson. 

You see, over the course of a messy divorce, I learned a lot about people. I also learned even more about God and His unending love and amazing grace for His children. For those who would refuse to accept someone they have never even met based solely on assumptions and judgements and cast them aside leads me to believe that they may have a grace deficiency. 

 I have come to realize that when you struggle with any kind of sin, there will be those who stand on the sidelines casting their stones in your direction. They will point fingers, talk, and make their judgements yet stand confused as they cannot quite make sense as to how it is that Jesus is working through your mess of a life. I don’t mean that to come across arrogant. Instead quite the opposite. I am a sinner who feels unworthy of being used by God. I have failed on so many occasions but my Jesus did something amazing for me. He paid an amazing price for my life so that my life could be used for His Father’s glory. 

Imagine standing in a room full of people. You are there with your struggles and sin trying to make sense of a life gone wrong. Around the room are those who turn up their noses and point fingers making assumptions of every wrong decision you have made. Suddenly you look and there He is. There is Jesus. You suddenly become confused. Why? Because He is standing next to you. You don’t understand. You see, all those in the room pointing their fingers are the ones who have lived such good lives. They do all the right things. They say the right things. Why is He standing with you? Then He looks at you and speaks.

 “Healthy people don’t need a doctor-sick people do.” 

Then He adds,

 “Now go and learn the meaning of this scripture: I want you to show mercy not offer sacrifices. For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” 

 Matthew 9:12-13 

 There it is. In a nutshell. He is there with you because you get it. You know you are a sinner and you know you need His grace.

Sometimes it is hard for those who have lived such a “blameless” life to understand how it is that those who have messed up so bad in life can be used by God but that scripture makes it abundantly clear. You see, Jesus takes our greatest failures and our deepest regrets and biggest heartaches and He uses them to do amazing things. When we turn it all over to Him, seek His forgiveness in true repentance, He restores us. But not only that He makes us shine brighter than we ever did before. Why? Because we get it.  We recognize that we are frail, weak and sinful. We realize that before we did not get it. We were being held in bondage by rules and regulations that were keeping us from walking with Him so intimately. We now understand what it means to fall flat on our face and have the Creator of the Universe pick us up and say, “My child I love you.” We have been through so much and gotten it wrong so many times that turning down our noses at another is not possible. Instead we see a world full of people just like us. People who are hurting and broken, longing to be rescued. And that is exactly what He does. He rescues. He pulls us out of the miry clay and He begins to mold and fashion us into something so beautiful. But the incredible thing is that we are not just beautiful, but we are usable too. Because we have been beaten and bruised by the ugliness of the world, we’re easier to shape into His likeness. It is easier to mold us into His image because we yearn to be like Him. We desire to be transformed. We want Him. We long to share Him and everything He has done and given to us. We can’t get enough. We look at the world and see what He sees: The hurt, the lonely, the struggling, the abandoned, the beaten, the betrayed, the orphaned, and our hearts overflow with love for them. We see the world with His eyes and our hearts flow with compassion, mercy and grace for those who need hope, who need Him just like we did. And so, He uses us. He is using my husband. He is using me. He is using our marriage. Because of His grace we are being used to bring His Father glory and show His Father’s love to those who need rescuing. 

 As Christians, this isn’t new information. Throughout scripture that is always where you found Jesus. With the sinners, the downtrodden and the lost. He was with the ones who needed rescuing and He avoided the ones who “followed” the rules because they had no place for Him in their lives. That was the mission of Jesus. That should be our mission. Not to turn up our noses at those who stumble and fall but instead to offer them the grace, mercy and love that Jesus offered to us. Why? Because that is what Jesus would do!