A Broken Angel, a Shattered Heart and a Beautiful Christmas Miracle

Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Living in a state of anxious thoughts that God can’t bless me.  I cannot be this happy.  I am divorced. My home is broken.  God is angry with me.  He doesn’t want me.

Because of a bad decision, a sin I committed at the age of 15, I lived many years dealing with the consequences.  I also lived believing God was angry with me and had no true purpose for my life.  I lived my life wanting to serve Him and did so in hopes of gaining His approval. Wanting His love. But never feeling worthy.  I felt my life could not be used because of my sins.  My past haunted me daily.

Almost six years ago I embarked on a journey down a very dark path that drew me closer to Jesus.  As I was cast out by a church and turned away by friends and family, I learned what following Jesus truly meant.  I learned how to listen to His voice and follow His leading.  For the first time, I embraced His love and understood and accepted His grace.

When you make a choice to go against the beliefs and advice of others and hold fast to what you know to be true, you expose yourself to great challenges.  Defying another, especially a pastor, leaves you vulnerable to enormous ridicule and loneliness.  When you make a choice to follow the Holy Spirit as He leads, you don’t always win the favor of those around you.  

That was me.  I had spent hours and hours upon my knees in prayer.  Praying for so many things.  Looking for answers.  Looking for change.  When the Spirit began moving in my life and I stood up against those who attempted to manipulate me into following their voice, I faced severe consequences.  But those consequences changed my life forever and grew my faith in ways I never thought possible.

I was left totally on my own.  My church, my friends and certain family abandoned me.  They cast me aside.  At the time, it was devastating.  It was heartbreaking. But now it has become one of the greatest blessings and lessons in my life.

God taught me to trust Him in all things.  Even when it seemed all hope was lost and I felt like I was sinking, He was there.

When you are dealing with storms, often through the darkness, God parts the clouds and gives you a beautiful glimpse of His love.  In dark moments He reveals to you those things or people in your life you need to separate yourself from but also those you need to pull closer.  He provides when all hope feels lost and emptiness is overwhelming. I experienced those moments. They became precious and intimate gifts from my Heavenly Daddy as He made His presence known in my life.

When the gossip spread that I was running from God, having an affair, and had walked away from my faith, He intervened and revealed Himself in mighty ways.  From simple messages from those who loved me to finding bags of groceries at my front door, His presence was undeniable.  From each verbal attack from those who questioned my character and made me doubt myself, God spoke into my heart and reminded me I was His and He had great plans for me. Though others walked away, His presence never left me.  His arms were always there to hold me up as He embraced me with His love.

The past couple of years have amazed.   God has blessed and provided for my children and me in more ways than I can write in one post.  But this Christmas He sent me a precious reminder. Many months ago, my daughter broke something of mine that was very special to me.  It was something from my earlier life that held a significant place in my heart. It had served as a reminder of God’s faithfulness through my trials and storms.  The day it broke, my heart shattered.  But God.

On December 1, 2012 God gave me the most wonderful blessing I had in many years.  He gave me my husband. Some know our story, others have formulated their own version but to summarize, we were two broken people, God redeemed and gave to one another.  My husband is my dream come true.  This Christmas God used him to remind me of His restoring love.

Unbeknownst to me, but not my boys, my husband had collected the pieces of my broken angel and was determined to repair the damage. He spent months gluing back the many broken pieces. Each time I left the house (which was rare) he would pull out those pieces working to repair what I had lost.  Behind the scenes he worked to restore the brokenness.

On Christmas morning, as I pulled the angel out of the bright red bag, overwhelming joy flooded my heart.  As I took it all in my mind immediately went to the love of my Heavenly Daddy.  For years my shattered heart laid a broken mess.  Broken and unraveled, I needed fixing.  

But God.  He scooped up all my broken pieces and one by one began putting them back together.  It took time allowing for the “glue” to dry. It took great precision as each piece now fit a little differently. And some were no longer needed. Things didn’t go back the way they had once been but instead fit together in a new and more beautiful way.

He took the entire broken and shattered mess I had become and turned it into a masterpiece that became a display of His restoring love and grace.  A magnificent portrait of His faithfulness.  Just as my husband restored my angel.

My husband is a beautiful reflection and reminder of God’s love and faithfulness.  His love is something I have never experienced.  Each day because of his love for me, I get a taste of how my Heavenly Daddy loves me.  So complete and selfless.

I look at my life and see what others do not.  Many feel pity for my children and sadness for what we’ve endured. Heavy hearted because they come from a broken home.  But God has shown me something different.  Each time my children smile and laugh, I am reminded that God restored our broken home.  He put together all the broken pieces of our lives and gave us something beautiful.  A home full of love.  A home where He is welcome. He took our shattered broken mess and turned it into an extravagant tapestry of His love and grace.

How enduring is God’s loyal love;

the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion.

Here they are, every morning new!

Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the day.

Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need.

My soul boasts, “Hope in God; just wait.”

It is good,  The Eternal One is good to those who expect Him,

to those who seek Him wholeheartedly.

It is good to wait quietly

for the Eternal to make things right again.

Lamentations 3:22-26

 

Originally posted on For Always

A Broken Angel, A Shattered Heart and One Extravagant Christmas Miracle

 Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Living in a state of anxious thoughts that God can’t bless me.  I cannot be this happy.  I am divorced. My home is broken.  God is angry with me.  He doesn’t want me.

Because of a bad decision, a sin I committed at the age of 15, I lived many years dealing with the consequences.  I also lived believing God was angry with me and had no true purpose for my life.  I lived my life wanting to serve Him and did so in hopes of gaining His approval. Wanting His love. But never feeling worthy.  I felt my life could not be used because of my sins.  My past haunted me daily.  

Almost six years ago I embarked on a journey down a very dark path that drew me closer to Jesus.  As I was cast out by a church and turned away by friends and family, I learned what following Jesus truly meant.  I learned how to listen to His voice and follow His leading.  For the first time, I embraced His love and understood and accepted His grace.  

When you make a choice to go against the beliefs and advice of others and hold fast to what you know to be true, you expose yourself to great challenges.  Defying another, especially a pastor, leaves you vulnerable to enormous ridicule and loneliness.  When you make a choice to follow the Holy Spirit as He leads, you don’t always win the favor of those around you.  

That was me.  I had spent hours and hours upon my knees in prayer.  Praying for so many things.  Looking for answers.  Looking for change.  When the Spirit began moving in my life and I stood up against those who attempted to manipulate me into following their voice, I faced severe consequence.  But those consequences changed my life forever and grew my faith in ways I never thought possible.

I was left totally on my own.  My church, my friends and certain family abandoned me.  They cast me aside.  At the time, it was devastating.  It was heartbreaking. But now it has become one of the greatest blessings and lessons in my life.  

God taught me to trust Him in all things.  Even when it seemed all hope was lost and I felt like I was sinking, He was there.

When you are dealing with storms, often through the darkness, God parts the clouds and gives you a beautiful glimpse of His love.  In dark moments He reveals to you those things or people in your life you need to separate yourself from but also those you need to pull closer.  He provides when all hope feels lost and emptiness is overwhelming. I experienced those moments. They became precious and intimate gifts from my Heavenly Daddy as He made His presence known in my life.  

When the gossip spread that I was running from God, having an affair, and had walked away from my faith, He intervened and revealed Himself in mighty ways.  From simple messages from those who loved me to finding bags of groceries at my front door, His presence was undeniable.  From each verbal attack from those who questioned my character and made me doubt myself, God spoke into my heart and reminded me I was His and He had great plans for me. Though others walked away, His presence never left me.  His arms were always there to hold me up as He embraced me with His love.

The past couple of years have been amazing.   God has blessed and provided for my children and me in more ways than I can write in one post.  But this Christmas He sent me a precious reminder. Many months ago, my daughter broke something of mine that was very special to me.  It was something from my previous life that held a significant place in my heart. It had served as a reminder of God’s faithfulness through my trials and storms.  The day it broke, my heart shattered.  But God.  

On December 1, 2012 God gave me the most wonderful blessing I had had in many years.  He gave me my husband. Some know our story, others have formulated their own version but to summarize, we were two broken people, God redeemed and gave to one another.  My husband is my dream come true.  This Christmas God used him to remind me of His restoring love.  

Unbeknownst to me, but not my boys, my husband had collected the pieces of my broken angel and was determined to repair the damage. He spent months gluing back the many broken pieces. Each time I left the house (which was rare) he would pull out those pieces working to repair what I had lost.  Behind the scenes he worked to restore the brokenness.  

On Christmas morning, as I pulled the angel out of the bright red bag, overwhelming joy flooded my heart.  As I took it all in my mind immediately went to the love of my Heavenly Daddy.  For years my shattered heart laid a broken mess.  Broken and unraveled, I needed fixing.  

But God.  He scooped up all my broken pieces and one by one began putting them back together.  It took time allowing for the “glue” to dry. It took great precision as each piece now fit a little differently. And some were no longer needed. Things didn’t go back the way they had once been but instead fit together in a new and more beautiful way.  

He took the entire broken and shattered mess I had become and turned it into a masterpiece that became a display of His restoring love and grace.  A magnificent portrait of His faithfulness.  Just as my husband restored my angel.

My husband is a beautiful reflection and reminder of God’s love and faithfulness.  His love is something I have never experienced.  Each day because of his love for me, I get a taste of how my Heavenly Daddy loves me.  So complete and selfless.

I look at my life and see what others do not.  Many feel pity for my children and sadness for what we’ve endured. Heavy hearted because they come from a broken home.  But God has shown me something different.  Each time my children smile and laugh, I am reminded that God restored our broken home.  He put together all the broken pieces of our lives and gave us something beautiful.  A home full of love.  A home where He is welcome. He took our shattered broken mess and turned it into a extravagant tapestry of His love and grace.

How enduring is God’s loyal love;

the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion.

Here they are, every morning new!

Your faithfulness, God, is as broad as the day.

Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need.

My soul boasts, “Hope in God; just wait.”

It is good,  The Eternal One is good to those who expect Him,

to those who seek Him wholeheartedly.

It is good to wait quietly

for the Eternal to make things right again.

Lamentations 3:22-26

eHarmony, soul mates and fairy tale endings: Does true love exist?

You have captured my heart,

my treasure, my bride.

You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes,

   with a single jewel of your necklace.

Your love delights me,

   my treasure, my bride.

Your love is better than wine,

   your perfume more fragrant than spices.

Your lips are as sweet as nectar, my bride.

Song of Solomon 4:9-11

 

I suppose I’ve never mentioned the fact that one of those dating sites “matched up” my husband and me.  A little back story.  I have known my husband for over twelve years.  In a previous life, our families were friends and they moved away.  Life happened, circumstances changed and we crossed paths once again.  In our former lives our commonalities were few except for our faith.  We spent more time arguing theology than we did having pleasant conversations.  Let’s just say that when he moved away, I didn’t cry.  Sorry if that sounds harsh.  We were different people back then.  Through a mess of circumstances we were reunited. We both had become very different people. He became a good friend to me during a dark time in my life.  One day he moved away again. (At my request.)  Having been through a terrible divorce, romantic relationships and men did not rank high on my list.  And so he honored my wishes and left.

 

With that said, I had a meddling teenager who sensed his mom needed to date.  Unbeknownst to me, he put together a profile on eHarmony for his dear old mom and set it loose.  UGH.  When the email came through I laughed with feelings full of fear. His thoughtfulness left me unsettled.   The day I logged into my profile I decided to give it a go and properly fill out the required information.  I answered the questions and hit submit.  In the beginning it was fun to see who I was compatible with and whether I agreed.  But knowing I was not into the dating scene I knew I needed not to waste anyone’s time. I did however mention to my now husband that he should sign up and answer the questions to see his matches.  Just for kicks.  So he did.  And guess what?  A match.  Not only did it match us up but it listed him as a “perfect match.” Total compatibility. Oh the irony.  Years earlier I didn’t have much in common with him and now, my perfect match?  Who would have thought?!  Could it be “true love?

People will argue against the true love, soul mate, fairy tale love kind of thing.  I know because I often made the argument.  I don’t claim to be an expert on love in any way whatsoever. I am however someone who has found the legalism within my “religion” to be full of frustrating untruths that affected my life in many negative ways.  As someone whose first marriage failed after fourteen years, I set out to find the truth about where it all went wrong.  With great hope that someday my children will not fall into the trap of legalism and settle for anything less than God’s absolute best, here are my thoughts.

 

 

Over the years, books and articles written by Christian writers debunking the myth of true love fell into my lap.  I read many and began to believe the words.  I found myself settled in a place without any expectation of love or honor.  I began to accept the writings on love as truth.   To me, they became frustrating lies.  Untruths leaving me empty and cold.  Becoming more cynical, I grew to accept that I did not deserve love without condition.  I did not deserve to be honored.  I did not deserve to be desired by someone. Feeling as if I did not matter I began to doubt God’s love.

 

 

Before I go any further, let me begin by saying I do not believe in the soulmate theory found in movies. The one defined as one perfect person in the universe for each person.  As beautiful as it plays out in movies, love is more complicated. However I do feel there are people out there who, pardon my phrase, “complete us.”   Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines soul mate as a close friend who completely understands you, a person who is specifically suited to another in temperament and a person who strongly resembles another in attitude or beliefs.  That definition has changed the perception I have of a soul mate.  Partly because I found a soul mate in my husband but I also have found a soul mate in my closest girl friend.  Both people ‘resemble me in attitude and belief” and are “close friends who completely understand me” making the idea of a soul mate very real to me.

 

My husband is my soul mate.  He is so much my other half that oftentimes I do not know how I survived the first thirty-six years of my life without him. I say that in jest but truly, walking through life with him makes everyday so much better and easier.  Because of him, to me, “true love” exists.  Now the existence of true love did not begin with my husband but instead because I found security and fulfillment  in my relationship with Christ.  Once I allowed Him, Jesus, the room to fill me up and take His rightful place in my life, my heart changed.  My heart was made ready to love the way in which God designed it to be loved and to love.  On December 1, 2012, I married my soul mate.  I married my “close friend who completely understands” me.

 

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:4

 

 

With that said, our marriage is not perfect.  Love is not perfect.  Love is work.  Daily work. (As seen in the above passage.) Love is a choice we make to live out each day. The love we share is not butterflies and roses.  We can argue with the best of them. We would not be human nor be experiencing real life if we did not disagree every once in a while.  Disagreements balance us out.  They keep us in check because it is those moments I realize what I have with him.  In the middle of an argument, I see or hear the hurt, and I want nothing more than to grab hold of him and not let go.  In those moments I see the man I absolutely adore and no longer care if I am right or wrong.   I know it sounds crazy but those moments come because of  his selfless love for me. He loves me like he is called to love me.  He loves me as Christ loves the church.  A selfless form of love. Outside of his relationship with Christ, there is nothing else he puts before me.  I am his priority in everything. My husband’s love for me  is perfect. However it is because of his love for the Lord that he loves me in this way.  His love for me is an overflow of his relationship with Christ.  For the first time in my life, because of my husband, I get a taste of how my Father in Heaven not only sees me but loves me too.  It is amazing.  It is a gift.  It is a blessing.  It is the truest form of romance.

 

Every day we work to make our marriage the absolute best it can be and sometimes we get it wrong.  Some days are harder than others but those hard days do not ever negate him as my “one true love.”  But there is another part of our equation, the most important part which is God.  He sits at the center of our relationship and our home.  He is the driving force behind all we do and the reason we love as we do. I believe that without His perfect love, true love does not exist.  He alone makes us complete and solely satisfies the need within us. It is because of God’s sovereignty, His plan, He gives us someone to walk life with and to love. When we make the choice to trust Him completely, He perfectly picks our “other half.”  He knows where we lack.  He knows the person that will be our compliment.  We just have to trust Him.    

 

There are a lot of cynical people out there with a legalistic view of marriage who will try to argue against true love and to those I say, I’m sorry.  I used to be one.   I too did not get it or have it the first time. I get told a lot now a days the marriage I have is rare.  I learned a hard lesson the first time around.  I know the difference between walking in my owns ways and walking in obedience.  I know the meaning of selfless love and self-serving love. I now know what it looks like to wait on God’s very best.  I would not have believed this kind of love, this type of marriage existed had God not been so loving and full of grace that He allowed me to find it this time around.  For me it has become living proof that when we walk in obedience with God, He truly blesses our lives.  It is fascinating to discover that God’s truth is real.  When things are lined up the way in which God has arranged them to be, everything falls into place.

 

So to my five precious babies, for those questioning love, or those patiently waiting for the “right one” my words are simple.  Be patient.  Don’t settle. Wait on God’s perfect one.  It is real and if you trust God with your heart and allow Him to lead, He will give you that someone to walk with you.  It won’t be all butterflies and roses because that is not real life. Love is work.  But you will discover that through the darkest of days, there is no one you would rather have beside you than the person God chose for you.

 

Originally published on All Things New.

 

 

Keeping the Romance Alive

I am a bit of a romantic. I love reading love stories.  I particularly love Nicholas Sparks books.  Love how most have sad endings simply because life is not always butterflies and roses.  Doesn’t mean true love cannot happen and instead makes the story more real. 

One of my favorite things about a Nicholas Sparks book is the settings in which the stories take place.  They are typically in quaint little towns.  I love the small town feel of people knowing their neighbors, tree lined streets, local restaurants and stores.  Makes for a romantically perfect setting. 

For quite some time I have wanted to pack up and move to my small dream town of New Bern, NC.  A place that encompasses all those things I love about a small town. So imagine my surprise when the veil was lifted from my “the grass is always greener” eyes the day I realized that I live in one of those quaint little towns.  I was elated with joy!!!

My idea of the perfect home always consisted of living in a place where there were sidewalks that actually led somewhere.  Like to a park, a neighborhood restaurant, the local market, a library and so forth.  A place where the streets were lined with trees and an abundance of flowers and greenery. I live there! 

I live in the adorable little downtown area of Wake Forest, NC and it has all of those things I mentioned in the previous paragraph and more.  Not only do I have my perfect setting but my little house is my perfect cottage.  My romantically sweet hideaway completes the package.

So how does a town keep the romance alive?  Let me tell you.  Have you ever been a newlywed living with five children?  Yeah.  Not an easy thing to do.  Add to that the reality that the budget is tight and going on extravagant outings are out of the question.  This leaves my remarkable little town to provide the romance we need for some serious date night escapades.  We have become quite creative.

When you are happy, fancy dates are not required.  Time spent alone with your significant other laughing, talking, and sometimes eating are all you need.  My small town provides the perfect setting and it’s a little romantic!

Before we were married a simple date was taking a stroll down the street to the neighborhood park.  There nestled in the trees is a green swing overlooking the little creek that winds its way through the trees.  It’s our own romantic little spot in the woods. 

Now that we’re married we have discovered the simplicity of using the car as a getaway. A favorite outing is taking a ride to our favorite little take-out place once the younger kids are in bed and sharing dinner together in the car while watching an episode of something together on Netflix using my phone.  We laugh and have an hour or so of just “us” time.  I love it! 

Another thing we utilize is Redbox. A couple of weekends ago, my hubby recommended renting a movie.  We do this a lot.  This time instead of driving the two minutes is takes he suggested we walk.  We took a stroll down those adorable tree lined streets of our little town, talking and holding hands and rented our movie.  We wouldn’t have had that precious time had we taken the car.

Earlier this summer hubby and I took a second honeymoon so to speak.  Know where we went?  No where.  We stayed home.  What a concept!  One of my favorite nights was spent simply getting ready and taking a walk to a little restaurant in town for dinner.  A few days later a neighbor who had seen us on our walk stopped us.  He had asked where we were going and once we told him “on a date” his reply was “you two looked so happy and in love.  Keep it up!”   Yes!  We definitely will! We will because we know the importance of keeping the romance alive. Because we know the importance of time spent together.

My life is simply amazing.  It is not always butterflies and roses and we have our struggles.  Nevertheless, because we know the importance of “keeping the romance alive” we are able to overcome those struggles.  We also know the importance of kisses, snuggling and cuddling and lots of I love yous.  I have discovered that in today’s world there are many who think we can be too much but from where I have come from there is no greater way to keep love alive then “loving” your spouse too much!  I also believe that it is very important for my kids to see that marriage is about loving each other not just with words but in action too.  It took some getting used to for them and they still tell us to get a room sometimes but you know what?  It’s worth it!  It is worth it because it creates laughter in our home and a closeness in our family that is created because love is truly alive and well.

Today I am thankful for the way in which God handpicked my home and the little town we now live. That story in and of itself is pretty special too.  This place is where our love story began and it is where it will continue to grow until God shows us something different.  Until then we will continue the work of keeping the romance alive!

Romance and marriage are hard things.  (especially with kids) It takes work.  It takes effort.  But the more you put into your marriage, the more romance you have the more you are going to get out of it!  And trust me when I say, it is totally worth all the effort!!

My Husband used to be a pastor- Part 2

All of this is for your benefit.  And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.

2 Corinthians 4:15

This morning I noticed that I have not written in quite some time.  It is not that I do not have anything to write about, as it is quite the opposite.  The problem is that I have so much to write about and so little time to put it all on paper.  As being one who uses writing as therapy this is not a good problem to have.  It means that I am constantly walking around writing in my head leaving everything a jumbled mess. There seem to be too many stories to tell. 

Back in March, I wrote about my husband who used to be a pastor and titled it My Husband used to be a Pastor Part 1 leaving room for the rest of the story.  Who would have thought that three months would pass before I would have the opportunity to put into words the rest of the story?  God knew.  He knew what was coming.  He knew this story would only get better and I needed time to let it play out.

My husband is no longer a pastor by definition.  He is currently a corrections officer in a state prison where men are sitting on death row waiting to die.  He spends 12.25 hours a day “caring” for men who have committed heinous acts such as rape, murder, sexual abuse on children and so much more.  He works in a place where there is not a lot of God but instead of lot of worldly ugliness.   My husband spends time with men who the world has forgotten and tossed aside.  Society has given up on these men but not my husband.  He is an amazing man that way.

Over the past several years, my husband has been referred to as a great many things.  Many of those things are not pleasant things.  His character was trampled and integrity questioned. He was judged.  He was ridiculed. He was wounded and hurt.  He has taught me so much.  Through it all, he taught me that the only opinion that matters is that of God.  Only God knows the hearts, motives and actions of His children.  All other opinion need be ignored. At the end of the day, God alone will judge us.  For me, a people pleaser, this is not an easy thing to put into practice but I watch him live it out on a daily basis.  I watch him as he seeks daily after the Lord and turns to the Lord for direction. He does not ask the opinion of others but instead looks to Truth from God’s word.  He inspires me. 

That is how my husband lives his life.  When the world would condemn his choices to love the unlovable, he chooses to love anyway.  When the world would condemn his choices to help someone who has caused him so much hurt, he chooses to help anyway.  His heart is big.  His patience not always as great as his heart but in the end he does what needs to be done to show the love, grace, forgiveness and mercy to those who need to see those things lived out in a the harsh reality of this world. 

Over the past week, I have watched my husband put this all into practice.  He has extended a great deal of grace, forgiveness and love and it has blown my mind.  Upon sharing the events of what has transpired I have had the great privilege of sharing the faith that my husband and I have with those who don’t understood the choices my husband has made.  It is an amazing thing to watch the faces of those who do not understand grace and forgiveness as they see it in action.  I am so incredibly blessed!  God is using my story and my husband to share His love and grace with those around us.

I am so proud to be his wife.  I am proud to call him husband.  He is an incredible leader in our home and a mighty example in front of my children of Jesus. He may no longer be a pastor in the world of “church” but he is a walking example of who Christ called each of us to be.  He lives out the great commission!

  

My husband used to be a pastor – Part 1

I am married to an amazing man.  He is a man with a heart for people and love for the Lord.  My husband used to be a pastor.  Before we were married, he attended seminary, graduated with a masters degree and became a pastor.  He was married to someone else and living a life different from the life he lives now. That was a different time and he was a different person.

Not long ago the two of us were having a conversation about grace.  He shared with me a story about his time in seminary in which a friend of his fell into sin.  He shared that his (my husband’s) response along with responses of other friends to this friend in sin was lacking in grace.  He admitted that when it came to those “clearly in sin” his extension of grace fell short.  I knew him back in those days and though he was a “nice guy” I had a different opinion of him than I do today.  Back then my now husband could be rigid.  It felt like he was more into following a “religion” or system of rules and procedures in order to accomplish what God wanted him to do.  At the time, I had several friends with husbands in seminary and this seemed to be the general approach.  Nothing against seminary, but from what I encountered this seemed to be the trend of those in that circle.  They could be “super spiritual” while greatly lacking in the department of grace.  At the time that is how I felt about my now husband.

Religion can do that.  Religion is complicated because it becomes more about doing than trusting.  I found a quote that said, “Religion is man’s idea of God’s expectations.”  In the New Testament there were religious leaders who Jesus called vipers (Matthew 12:34) and whitewashed tombs (Matthew 23:27). They were Pharisees and were all about keeping the rules.  They had zero mercy and lacked compassion for those who chose not to follow their rules.  On top of it all, they had ungodly hearts. These men were legalistic and demanding. To them things had to be done a certain way, their way or they were not acceptable. That is a great description of religion.

Back to my husband who is now no longer a pastor and you may be asking why he is no longer a pastor. Spiritual burnout.  Several years ago, when his life began to fall apart he was “diagnosed” by his counselor with spiritual burnout and recommended by the counselor to resign from his church.  He did.  That may seem like a bold move over something that is simply called spiritual burnout. Maybe it was but it is something that is real.  It was something I had never heard of or knew anything about, so I researched it.  Spiritual burnout is a “disease” that at one time or another has probably plagued us all.  Spiritual burnout can be linked to following a religion.  It can be linked to thinking that we must “do” in order to gain God’s approval.  It is linked to having unrealistic expectations.  It is linked to unconfessed sin.  This “disease” is killing people.  Now I do not mean that people are physically dropping dead because of spiritual burnout, but I do believe that following a religion instead of investing in a relationship with Jesus Christ can eat away at us much like cancer, leaving us spiritually dead.

So how do we get this “disease?” Religion says that we have to find a way, no matter how difficult it may be, to keep the rules or we must accept the punishment.  We set unrealistic expectations upon ourselves.  We live a life trying to be perfect and attempting to do all the right things hoping for God’s approval and favor. It is a lot of exhausting work.  We seek out looking for God in an intimate way only to find that whatever religious community we are a part of is telling us that we need to “do” and “do” more of it in order to have that relationship.  We begin believing that we can only have that intimate relationship if we are good and doing all the “right things.” Religion, or legalism as it is also known, steals life. It is being overly concerned with keeping the rules and exalting those rules over a relationship with Christ. It does not nourish but instead drains us of life. When we follow “the Law” it kills, but when we follow the Spirit, we feel alive.

He has enabled us to be ministers of his new covenant. This is a covenant not of written laws, but of the Spirit. The old written covenant ends in death; but under the new covenant, the Spirit gives life.

2 Corinthians 3:6

Trying to follow a religion leaves us unbalanced and we need balance.  We do not need to spend every day of the week participating in some church activity or function and then our remaining time sitting at home reading our Bibles.  Yes, we do need time with other believers and one on one time with God, but not in excess to the exclusion of everything else, not with the wrong motivation of following a list of rules, and not to the point where we are physically drained. Religious leaders tend to lead in this way.  This is not godly.  Satan is into excess.  It is his playground. When we get to doing something too much, it consumes us and leads us to spiritual burnout. When that happens, if left unchecked, it is the perfect opportunity to backslide.  We have to know when enough is enough.  We have to know when we are practicing a religion instead of nurturing an intimate relationship with Christ.

My "other half"

I love my husband.  I love my husband more than I can express in words.  As I type those words, my eyes fill with tears from the flood of emotion.  I have never known this.  On the other side, my husband loves me.  He loves me with an intensity that too is beyond description.  It is a love that I was made to believe did not exist. Now, because of him, I am confident that it is real.

Over the years, I was given books and articles written by Christian writers debunking the myth of “Hollywood love” or true love.  I read what was written believing that settling for a relationship and not expecting to be loved, honored or cherished was the way love worked.  It was a lie.  It was a frustrating lie.  It was a lie that left me feeling empty and cold.  I became cynical and grew to accept that I did not deserve to be loved unconditionally.  I did not deserve to be honored.  I did not deserve to be desired by someone.  It left me feeling as if I did not matter.  It left me doubting God’s love.

I find it fascinating that anyone would say that true love does not exist.  It is like saying that God’s love is not real.  Clearly, in 1 Corinthians 13:4 a clear picture of love is painted.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud

or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Again, in Romans 5:8 we read “that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  Does that not sound like something that comes straight out of a Hollywood movie?  Someone giving up their life for the one they love?

I read those verses and I hear true love. I hear what I see in the movies.  Is it really a love that is too good to be true? A love that no one can live up to?  Love cannot be that perfect.  Right?!  So we are made to believe.

I found true love.  I believe it does exist.  For me, it started with finally finding security in my relationship with Christ.  It began with me allowing the walls of hurt to fall.  By allowing those walls to be removed, it gave Him the room to fill me up and take His rightful place in my life.  (You can read about that discovery here and here.) From there my heart began to heal.  It was made ready for the one who would love me the way in which God designed us to love.

On December 1, I married my soul mate.  I say that today after claiming for a very long time such a thing did not exist.  My heart had grown cold to the idea that anyone could love me in such a way.  The idea that someone could be my “other half” was a laughable notion.  After a roller coaster ride with many curves, loops and gigantic hills, I found mine.  I found the person who completes me.  As cheesy as that line many sound, it is the truth.  He is my other half.

Our love is not all about butterflies and roses all the time.  Matthew and I can argue with the best of them.  We would not be human if we did not disagree every once in a while.  It all comes back to those disagreements. Those disagreements are what balance us out.  It keeps us in check.  It is in those moments that I realize what I have with him.  In the middle of an argument, I see the love in his eyes or hear the hurt in his voice and I want nothing more than to grab hold of him and not let go.  Those moments in the middle of an argument makes me see the man I absolutely adore with every fiber of my being and no longer care if I am right or wrong.   Those special moments come because this man loves me as he is called to love me.  He loves me as Christ loves the church.

It is fascinating to discover that God’s truth is real.  When things are lined up as God has arranged them to be, everything falls into place.  Love becomes a fairy tale.  That fairy tale is made real by those moments in which my husband makes me confident of his love.  He lives out his love for me.  It is not just words.  It is not just ending a phone call with “love you.”  It is lived out on a daily basis.  He writes me and has written me countless love letters.  It is not unusual for me to get into my car and find a letter in the visor reminding me of how much he loves me. It is not unusual for him to ask me to dance in the middle of the lobby of an Olive Garden with Frank Sinatra crooning away over the speaker.  It is not unusual for my husband to sit up with me at night when my head is hurting too much to sleep even when he has to get up at four in the morning.  It is not unusual for me to find my husband staring at me with a look of love flowing from his eyes.  His love for me is perfect.  His love for me is complete. However, I know that the love he has for me comes because of his love for the Lord. The love Matthew has for me is an overflow of his relationship with Christ.  For the first time in my life, because of my husband, I get a taste of how my Father in Heaven not only sees me but how He loves me.  It is amazing.  It is a gift.  It is a blessing. 

God has a design for marriage.  Matthew and I were flipping through Song of Solomon and I realized that God loves romance.  He created romance. We read:

You have captured my heart,

    my treasure,<sup value="[c]”>[c] my bride.

You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes,

    with a single jewel of your necklace.

 Your love delights me,

    my treasure, my bride.

Your love is better than wine,

    your perfume more fragrant than spices.

Your lips are as sweet as nectar, my bride.

Song of Solomon 4:9-11

What a beautifully romantic passage. How tender and sweet. Full of love.  God created those things around us that add romance to our world.  Those birds that sing love songs to one another in the trees.  He created those butterflies that dance from flower to flower.  He created the flowers that grace us every spring with color and fragrance. He created the sunrises that greet us every morning with a breath-taking splendor of color. God created romance.  It was His idea.  His creation.  And it is all because God IS love. 

My mountaintop!

I am on the mountaintop.  After many years in the valley, with too many trials to list, I have made it to the top.  Today in church, I sat and really pondered life over the last few years and realized that God has been working and preparing me for what He has in store for me next.  About five years ago, He gave me a vision.  He placed a desire in my heart.  I was ready.  I was eager.  I wanted to forge ahead and do what He wanted me to do.  Little did I know, I was not ready.  He had to prepare me.  I had a lot of growing to do.  My faith needed stretching.

After trudging through the last four years of my life, I had given up and pretty much thrown out the vision.  Holding fast to the legalistic view of those around me that I could not be used now because I’m “divorced”,  I all but gave up.  Today I realized how untrue that statement is and that God has something great in store for me.  The valley I had to go through was part of His plan for me, to prepare me for what lies ahead. I realized that there were a lot of “grace killers” in my life.  Today I decided it is time to let them go and accept grace as it is clearly given because of my relationship with Christ.  Today I am going to embrace my mountaintop. Today I am going to embrace that God has a purpose and plan for me!

God placed Matthew in my life.  He is my mountaintop.  He is my best friend. He is my blessing.  He is my gift.  Our marriage is something I did not see coming.  God gave me an incredible man who loves and honors me in a way that reflects His love and idea for marriage.  It is something that I cannot fully describe.  We have a love like I have never known and each day is better than the last.  Each day I love him more than I did the day before.  Life is amazing.  I know a joy right now that cannot be put into words.  I know it is a gift from God and for this moment, I will spend every moment soaking in every second we have together.  

God has placed me in a season of rest for now.  This is my time “to enjoy the view.” This is my time to enjoy my husband and my children as well as all that He has given to me.  That is what I am going to do.  This mountaintop will not last forever.  There will be another valley and I am sure it will be coming a lot sooner than later because God has great plans for us both.  However, I know I am ready this time.  I have an amazing husband who walks with me.  The valleys do not seem as scary as they did before now that I have someone walking with me.  The vision God gave me is still very clear but now that vision feels closer to coming to fruition.  God has prepared me and has now given me a partner with the same desires to fulfill the plan He has for my life.

Thank you Matthew for your unconditional love and support. Thank You God for giving me a such an amazing gift!  I am beyond blessed!

Running Scared

Even when the way goes through

    Death Valley,

I’m not afraid

    when you walk at my side.

Your trusty shepherd’s crook

    makes me feel secure.

You serve me a six-course dinner

    right in front of my enemies.

You revive my drooping head;

    my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase after me

    every day of my life.

I’m back home in the house of God

    for the rest of my life.

Psalm 23:4-6 The Message

The enemy is running scared.  He is attempting to dodge the darts of consequences that will come. After a year of trusting and waiting, not always patiently, God answered a prayer.  

This time last year so many things in life were up in the air.  The new year began with such uncertainty.  There were many unanswered questions.  From the outside looking in it appeared that darkness had won and the enemy took the final victory.  I will admit that at times, I felt that way but my support system was strong.  I had the constant reminder that God is in control and that He had/has a plan.   

This time last year, I specifically asked God for something.  I needed something.  From my standpoint, it was not something I could accomplish on my own as I did not have the authority or the knowledge to know how to make it happen and so I prayed.

Long story short, without the use of manipulation or lying, my prayer was answered this week.  I waited an entire year for the Lord to answer my prayer.  I trusted His sovereign hand and instead of using my own method, which truthfully would have required some form of finagling the system, I waited and He answered. 

Sitting back now as I have read my writings over the past year; it is incredible to see how God has moved in my life.  He has provided some unbelievable things.  He has removed some much-needed things and people from my life.  He has sustained me and been my strength through troubling times.  He never left my side.  It has been an amazing journey. 

My dad said it best…the enemy is running scared.  My grandmother‘s words were, you do not continue to do wrong without having to face the consequences.  The hole is only getting bigger and the best part is that I have done nothing to dig the hole for the enemy.  I have trusted God completely.  I have patiently waited on His hand to move.  The story has been written and it is finished.  In the end, everything will be ok. 

My faith is growing. What used to be worry and fear in my life has now turned into joy from learning how to trust my Heavenly Father.  His ways are so much greater and far better than ours are.  Allowing Him to move instead of manipulating and lying to get our way, we reap the abundance of His blessings and live a life full of joy and contentment.  

God IS good ALL the time! 

The end is near…

For once I’m feeling empowered and not overwhelmed.  I have endured and am waiting patiently on the Lord while trusting that His plan is perfect.  Today a long awaited prayer request was answered.  The tide is turning. The end is near.

This morning I woke up unsure of how the day would end.  As anxious thoughts flooded my mind, my sweet husband sat beside me and prayed a prayer that reminded me of WHO is in control of all things.  That God’s plan is in fact perfect.  As we made our way to our destination Philippians 4:4-7 played through my mind over and over. 

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

As the scripture replayed in my head I heard that I am to rejoice in all things. The good, the bad and the ugly. All of it!  I am to be confident that God is in control and that He is near.  Because of that confidence I have no need to be anxious about my circumstances or the outcome of my situation.  Instead of being anxious I am to submit my fears, my apprehensions, and my doubts to the Lord and allow Him to fill me with His peace. By doing so my heart and mind are then protected in Christ Jesus.  God has gone before me.  My entire situation has been written and it is finished.  God knows the outcome and so now I can sit back knowing that He has the victory.  I do not have to worry or fear what happens next because it is finished.  With that, the outcome of today was AMAZING!  It falls right in line with His plan.  How exciting.  My life has taken such an incredible turn and each day brings about more and more of His rich blessings.  Today we are still waiting but now we are waiting with anticipation to what new and exciting things are yet to come. 

God is good.  He is faithful to protect His children and to provide our every need.  I am confident in His plan and for whatever is waiting around the next corner.  What a great day!