I mentioned yesterday that I no longer attend a church. That the meaning of church has become something very different for me than what I’ve spent my life believing it was supposed to be and with that in mind, though my thoughts on church have changed, my beliefs have not. I still stand on my pillars of faith and those pillars shape and guide the way I think, live, and interact with those around me. But here is what has changed.
I have spent my entire life in church. I grew up surrounded by men/leaders/pastors telling me what scripture meant and how I was to apply that scripture to my life. I relied on their words and their knowledge (which included their opinion) to guide how I lived, thought and “did” church and that left little room for the Holy Spirit to work and speak in my life. So much so that I doubted myself and did not believe I was smart enough to understand what the Bible said or to even know how to do what the Bible told me to do without their leading. Sometimes I think that is what we were taught back in the day. I know that 15 years ago I stood in my own home while a worship pastor yelled in my face and told me that because I didn’t go to seminary and because I was a woman, God did not speak to me. That I was to listen to him and what he told me to do. So, in some situations, I think that’s what people were truly being taught and so they believed it to be true. But for me, it is because of that moment that something awoke within me, and I became more aware of the Holy Spirit in my life. Thankfully that day awakened a stirring within.
At the time, I can’t honestly tell you that I had some great epiphany, but I think I began to realize I had been manipulated by a system that was not operating the way in which God had designed it to be. I had been led (for years) to believe that I needed someone to interpret scripture for me. To tell me what it all meant because I wasn’t capable or even allowed to do that myself. I knew I had the Holy Spirit living in me, but I had no idea I could listen to His voice and allow Him to lead me. I began to realize that I didn’t need a pastor, nor did I need a mentor to interpret or give their opinions. I just needed HIM.
Now let me add here, there is nothing wrong with having a mentor or listening to a sermon. I believe they are helpful in our growth and walk. But when we become totally reliant on someone else telling us what the Bible means, then we might not be doing something right in our own walk. The Holy Spirit resides within every believer and His purpose is to guide, teach, convict, and reveal the truth of God’s word to every individual who is in relationship with Him. That job is not the responsibility of someone else. That is His purpose, His gift to every one of His children. And thankfully on that day so many years ago, it was a misinformed pastor who helped reveal to me that there was so much more to the purpose and place of the Holy Spirit in my life.
So, to circle back around. I believe in church. I believe in church family/community. In fact, I believe they are essential to my faith. But I believe it should look so much different then the way we have spent generations doing it and I believe the way it is being done grieves the heart of God. So, for now, because I truly believe He has awakened this stirring inside of me and because I am encountering more and more people who are feeling this same stirring, I have to do something different. I don’t know what that means yet but I know, it isn’t going to be easy because going against the grain and the way things have always been done, never is. But God.
Faith Renewed 